Briana tugged on a pullup before working tights up her legs and over her slim padding. Though it was big girl time, Alanna sat staring at her on the bed. Little Briana would have put her stuffed lioness there for advice – Big Briana was aware that she mainly used Alanna as a metaphor for her conscience. Big or Little, conscience or lioness, Briana knew she was in trouble. There was no begging or being cute to escape the situation either, because she was in trouble with herself.
With a sigh, Briana went over her disastrous playdate in her mind. The afternoon had started completely magically. It could have stayed that way, too, if she’d only remembered to talk to her boyfriend and girl-that-hopefully-was-becoming-a-girlfriend. Littleness was no excuse for forgetting something so important. She hadn’t forgotten about Christmas for an instant after Thanksgiving, nor had she ever forgotten to worry about Melody when her sib had been in trouble with Beatrix.
If Briana had been Little, her lioness would have said some very stern things to her as she put on a black sweater with sparkly batwings sewn on. Being Big, she told them to herself. I hurt my new friend Ava by putting her in a scary situation without asking her. I hurt Gary’s heart by treating him like he would be OK with anything I decided.
Looking in her mirror, Briana carefully applied black eyeliner and smoky eye-shadow. She painted on black lipstick – then liberally patted glitter into her eye shadow and across her lips. Though she packed her bags with microbiology notes and a laptop, she was still Little enough to salute Alanna with a fist over her heart.
I’m going to do better. I will be more like Mom and make everybody proud—especially the Alanna part of me.
Briana skipped downstairs to the kitchen and presented herself to her mom for inspection. Veronica’s eyebrows twitched upwards to see her Little girl clad in black from head to toe. Before she said anything, Mom straightened Briana’s pleated skirt’s waistline and ensured her pullup was adequately tucked away.
“You’ve been wearing darker colors, but this is the first time I’ve seen you in black lipstick since we dressed you up at The Black Veil. What’s the occasion, sweetie?”
“I want to be more like you, Mom.” As always, Briana got a burst of warm fuzzes in her heart from calling Veronica – Mom. The best part was that it worked for both Big and Little Briana. Veronica was Mom in the Big and Little peoples’ worlds.
“Briana, that’s very sweet, but you prefer bright colors. You can be like me without dressing like me.”
“I know! I want to be like you in the not-dressing way. My outfit and makeup are reminders to be a better girl. To be like my Mom and always do the right thing.”
“Baby bee.” Veronica sighed, dabbing at her eyes with a black silk handkerchief. “I’m proud of you. So proud of my strong, loving daughter.”
Briana also had to dab her eyes, remembering to grab a napkin off the kitchen table at the last minute rather than disastrously rubbing her made-up eyes. Veronica pulled Briana in for a cuddly hug and a kiss atop her head as soon as they were both composed enough not to have to redo their makeup.
“I like your outfit too. I’m glad you still have some sparkly touches to it.”
“Don’t worry, Mom. I won’t lose my sparkles.” Briana planted a careful kiss on her Mom’s cheek. “I’ve got to catch the bus. I love you, Mommy!”
“I love you too, Baby Bee.” Veronica followed Briana as far as the kitchen door, fondly watching the Little girl until she was out the front door.
~~~*~~~
Knocking on Gary’s office door was scary. The hustle and bustle of undergraduates around Briana wasn’t the source of her nervousness – she blended in perfectly, looking like just another undergraduate knocking on the door of a TA’s office. Briana’s fears were validated when Gary opened his door. Upon seeing Briana, Gary got a little sadder. It was devastating for a girl who was used to seeing delight on her boyfriend’s face when she arrived.
“Hi, Gary.” Briana focused on keeping her feet rooted to the floor. The urge to hurl herself into Gary’s arms, crying apologetically, was overwhelming. That move would get Little Briana what she wanted, but Big Briana knew that what she’d done was too big to be covered up by a scolding or spanking. Gary deserved an apology, and not to be pushed into being a caregiver.
“Hey, Briana. Come on in.”
Briana followed Gary into his literally closet-sized office, eschewing the chair to stand contritely in front of Gary’s desk with her hands folded over her skirt. “I came to apologize if that’s okay.”
“Bri, I’m not mad at you. I was a little confused and hurt – and still a bit hurt, if I’m being honest.” Gary sat down in his creaky office chair with a sigh. The sad little window behind him was half-covered by the only shelf Gary could fit in the room. One of the shelves was left bare for a slice of natural light that settled on Gary’s shoulders.
“I know, and I’m sorry. This is a Big girl apology. I’m not being Little right now. I was thoughtless and selfish. I didn’t set out to hurt you, but I didn’t think about your feelings either.”
Saying those words hurt. Each one had come out with a twist of Briana’s gut. Once they were all out, though, she felt better. Not that she felt good yet, but she felt cleansed. If Gary didn’t want to accept her apology, that’d be terrible, but she would still have done the right thing. Despite her bravery, Briana had to admit she’d do anything at the moment for Gary or her Dad to hug her and tell her she was a good girl.
“Thanks, Briana.” Gary didn’t smile, but his expression eased. He motioned to the chair in front of him. “Do you want to sit? I can make you some tea; I’ve got a working electric kettle here now.”
“You plugged a kettle in?” Briana took a seat, setting her hot-pink backpack down on the floor. It was the only thing she hadn’t yet found a gothy replacement for. “Is that a fire hazard in here?”
“Wow, you really are Big right now.” Gary finally smiled, flicking the switch on his kettle. “It’s fine. I had maintenance check the outlet for me. They said my shelf is a fire hazard, but the kettle is fine.”
Briana squirmed in her seat. “I wish the University would put you in a better space.”
“It’s this or nothing.” Gary shrugged. “The shelf has to stay, too, or how would I keep my Briana plants?”
“Your what?”
Gary motioned to a shelf full of tiny succulents, each one with a different color of plump leaves. “They’re tiny and colorful, just like you. Well, like you usually are. Though they’re way lower maintenance than you.”
Briana giggled. “Gary, I love you.”
“I love you too, Bri.”
“That’s why I was so upset when I realized I hurt you.” Briana sighed. “You’ve shown me so much love and acceptance. I feel like I’ve mostly been taking instead of giving back.”
“Hon, no.” Gary took a moment to pour the tea, setting a mug in front of Briana. “You’re a lot of work when you’re Little, but you give back. The way you snuggle with me, the way you laugh – the way you look at me like I can see straight into your heart. It’s incredible. I wouldn’t trade Little Briana for anything.”
“That’s good!” Briana bounced in her chair. “I have to be big sometimes, though, and when I am, I want to be a good girlfriend for you too.”
“I’m not going to complain about that. Or your outfit. It’s not hurting my feelings at all.” Gary took a sip of his scalding tea, apparently unbothered by the heat or that it’d barely steeped. Mom would have been scandalized right out of her chair. Briana chose to overlook Gary’s transgression out of the goodness of her heart.
“I tell you I want to take care of you, and you tell me I’m sexy in a goth look?” Briana rolled her eyes and giggled. “Gaaaaary, you’re such a boy.”
“Come on, you’re not Big very often. I’ve got to take advantage of the chance to get some dirty talk in while I can.”
Oh? He’s been missing that kind of thing, has he? Briana bit her lip mischievously.
“Gary, I’d do anything for you. All you’d have to do is ask, and I’d crawl under your desk and go down on you right here in your office.” It felt so fun and naughty to say that Big Briana felt warm in her pullup.
Briana’s comment did what boiling water had failed to do, flushing Gary’s face red from his hairline to his neck. He took another mouthful of tea, gulped half down, and coughed the other half into his elbow.
“See?” Briana’s smile sparkled to match her makeup. “There are some advantages to a Big girlfriend.”
“Yeah, I’m seeing that.” Gary coughed and laughed. “I love Little Briana best, though. Not saying I won’t take you up on your offer – someday when I get my courage up to do that in my office – but Little Briana has something that no other girl has.”
“I love you,” Briana said. “Are we okay?”
“Yeah, Bri, we are.” Gary nodded. “Can I check your padding, or will that mess up your being Big?”
Big and Little Briana both got warm under their pullup at that suggestion. “I don’t think it will, and anyway, I need to be stronger about being Big if it does.”
To her surprise, Big Briana was squirmy at the idea instead of hopping up to be checked when her caregiver asked. Little Briana was a bit nervous at the delay; she knew she wasn’t supposed to refuse a diaper check! When Gary motioned for her to come around the desk, Big Briana blushed and tiptoed over.
“You haven’t been embarrassed like this in a while. It’s cute. Is this another Big Briana advantage?” Gary asked as he lifted her skirt.
Gary’s strong hands patting her padded crotch and rear made Briana tremble. She was glad he didn’t check inside her pullup – there was a definite wet patch, but it wasn’t related to a potty accident. Part of Big Briana wanted to find out where things would go if Gary found that kind of wet patch.
“An advantage for you, maybe.” Briana wrung her hands behind her back, holding on to her Big frame of mind for dear life. “Am I a good girl?”
“You are my best girl.” Gary pulled Briana into his lap and kissed her. “We have to talk about Ava, but you have a lab in ten minutes, and I have office hours starting.”
Briana nodded. “I know. I have to be big this afternoon with Aunt Kiara, too. I can call you tonight, but I might be Little. Big Briana could talk to you tomorrow.”
“Either is fine with me.” Gary leaned Briana against him, a thoughtful expression on his angular face. “It might even be a good idea to talk to both Brianas.”
“Oh! Actually – that’s super smart.”
Gary laughed. “You don’t have to sound so surprised. I know I lift weights, but I’m still a scientist.”
“I don’t think of you as a scientist or a weightlifter.” Briana tucked her head against Gary’s neck. “I think of you as Gary. The man I love that takes care of me.”
“Baby girl, why do you make it so hard for me to say goodbye to you right before we both have to go do stuff?” Gary gave Briana a big squeeze.
“As your Big Girl or your Little Girl, that’s my job, right?”
“It is, and you’re great at it.” Gary tilted Briana’s head up for a long, slow kiss.
Though there was always a bit of a tingle in Briana’s kitty when she kissed her Gary, the kiss was so much more about love. It filled up one of the sadness holes in her heart. Only Ava could fill the other one.
Gary patted Briana on the rear, sending her to pick up her backpack and head for the door. “Make sure you go potty before your lab so you can stay Big.”
“I will, thanks, Gary. Oh, and Gary?” Briana winked, “Don’t forget to call or text if you need ‘stress relief’. I have a little time between labs today.” Delighted by the flustered boy they’d left in their wake, Big and Little Briana skipped to their Lab – by way of the potty.
~~~*~~~
By the time lab was wrapping up, Briana had been good-naturedly accused of sneaking the sunshine into the building three times by her lab mates. Her experiments could not have gone more flawlessly. Look out, ocean microplastics! A Knight of Cloudland has forged a special sword of teeny tiny critters that will eat you up. She finished her data page with a pen flourish and a kitty face. Little touches like that were key for keeping Little Briana happy enough that she didn’t need to come out. Big Briana suspected that her advising professor tolerated childish pictures in her data sets largely because her last name was Rasmussen. As accommodations went, she wasn’t exactly asking for the moon, so Big Briana refused to feel guilt over the possibility.
As she was sterilizing her equipment, a familiar figure entered the lab. Moving more slowly on her crutches than usual, Ava was dressed in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. She paused at the door, apparently to catch her breath, and smiled when she caught sight of Briana.
“Ava!” Briana bounced happily over to her friend-but-hopefully-more-than-a-friend and gave her a careful hug. It wasn’t the right mood to start an apology, but Briana was feeling too good to be properly downcast. In any case, Ava likely did not want an apology about their playdate in a public space.
“Hey Bri-ana.” Ava drew a deep breath and gave Briana a wobbly smile. “Banana. Briana Banana.”
“I get a nickname already? I’m way behind; I don’t have one for you yet.” Briana grinned. “What brings you down to Dr. Vaughn’s lab?”
“Dr. Kumari.” Ava took another labored breath. “Sent me to get.” Again, Ava paused, rearranging her hands on her crutches. “The portable incubator.”
“Ava, are you okay?” Briana put her hand on Ava’s shoulder, only to withdraw it at the girl’s annoyed nod.
“I’m fine; I just went too fast.” Ava forced herself upright, taking a couple of deep breaths. “But if you’re wrapping up…”
“I’d love to carry it for you.” Briana nodded. “I’ve never been in Dr. Kumari’s lab, but I hear you have all kinds of fancy equipment.”
“Yeah, the gray-goo machines.” Ava chuckled. “You don’t get nervous around nanobots?”
“Look at me,” Briana said, packing the mini-incubator into its case. She signed it out carefully, putting down her name, Ava’s name, and Dr. Kumari’s as the responsible parties. To do otherwise was to risk a snarly voicemail from Dr. Vaughn. “I’m almost nano-bot sized. They’d elect me as their president.”
“Shows what you know. They don’t have a president. Nanobots operate under an anarcho-syndicalist commune.”
Briana giggled, packing up her backpack and hefting the incubator in her arms. “Ready when you are.”
Kumari’s lab was at the other end of the building. As they walked, Briana kept an eye on Ava’s wobbly legs, hoping she wasn’t being too obvious about it. The one time she was sure Ava caught her looking, Briana fluttered her eyelashes up at her hopefully-girlfriend-but-it’s-really-okay-if-not-friend with a flirty smile. Ava didn’t seem to have the breath to talk and walk simultaneously, so Briana hummed nonsense instead of continuing their conversation.
When they arrived at the lab, Ava immediately dashed for a chair and slumped into it. Pretending she wasn’t worried but getting more anxious all the time, Briana put on her sunniest smile and traipsed up to Dr. Kumari. The professor was a famously active Indian woman with a taut, athletic body that didn’t show an ounce of fat. Briana couldn’t remember what kind of contest it was, but she knew Dr. Kumari participated in some remarkably grueling athletic event every year. At least twice, she’d returned from that event with a trophy for her office.
“Hi, Dr. Kumari, I have your incubator. I made sure to sign it out properly so Dr. Vaughn will know it’s here.”
“Thank you.” Dr. Kumari took the equipment that was weighing Briana’s arms down like it was a featherweight. “It’s Briana, isn’t it?”
“That’s me, Briana Rasmussen.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize.” Dr. Kumari’s manner underwent an immediate change. Instead of putting the incubator away, she returned to Briana, giving the diminutive girl her full attention. “Thank you so much for helping Ava get it here, Ms. Rasmussen.”
“Briana is fine, or Miss Rasmussen if you want to be formal. Ms. Rasmussen is Veronica.” Or Michelle or Kiara. But not the Littlest Rasmussen!
Labeling herself “miss” triggered an immediate downgrade in Dr. Kumari’s formality. She was likely nicer to Briana than she would have been to a random graduate student, but the stiff decorum was gone from her expression and tone.
“I want to get some bacteria started in this incubator right away. You’re welcome to look around the lab, but don’t let me keep you if you have somewhere to be.” Dr. Kumari nodded at Briana, hustling the precious incubator to a lab counter. Briana understood her haste. Dr. Kumari had about forty-eight hours before Dr. Vaughn would demand his equipment back.
“Ava, do you mind waiting a bit while I take a peek at the lab?” Briana’s heart went out to her oh-please-let-her-be-my-girlfriend’s relieved expression at the prospect of more time for Ava to sit.
The grey-goo machines were very cool in any case. Briana was careful to touch nothing but read every label on the devices that created and housed infinitesimally tiny machines that could go inside a living cell without disrupting it. By the time Briana had finished nerding out, Ava looked well-rested.
“I like the sparkle-goth outfit you have going, but isn’t the backpack a little clashy?” Ava asked.
“Yeah.” Briana shrugged and giggled. “Do you have any more labs or classes today? We could go shopping together. I know just the place to get a new backpack.”
“It sounds fun, but uh…”
“There’s a bus stop right in front of the store I’m thinking of if you’re worried.”
“I wasn’t worried.” Ava sighed, looking down at her lap. “But – I might not be able to make it to the campus bus stop in one go today.”
“The campus bookstore is halfway between here and the bus stop.” Briana’s tone sparkled as brightly as her sweater’s bats, enough to get Ava to lift her head curiously. “There’s an ice cream shop attached to it.”
“With fresh-made waffle cones.” Ava rose enthusiastically to her feet. “Let’s do it.”
The spring air was delightful, energizing Ava almost as much as the prospect of ice cream had. Briana got a double cone of bubblegum and blueberry, and Ava stuck with a single scoop of caramel pecan, even after Briana offered to pay. As they sat on a bench and sugared themselves up, Briana momentarily forced herself to pull away from her ice cream bliss and put on a serious expression.
“Ava, I need to apologize to you. I’m really sorry for how I treated you when you were over at my house.”
“Oh – uh, that’s um – thanks.” Ava looked around, seeming relieved that no one was nearby. “I appreciate the apology, but I could have done a lot to explain my feelings or ask questions.”
“But you didn’t because you were Little, right?” Briana nodded in response to Ava’s blush. “I was being selfish and thoughtless, and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did, and I want to make it up to you if I can.”
“Wow.” Ava took a big bite of her ice cream and cone, sitting for a moment as she savored it. “That’s probably the nicest apology I’ve gotten, especially from a uh – friend like you.”
“I don’t know if you were going to say girlfriend, but it’d be okay if you did.” Briana scooted across the bench, putting herself hip to hip with Ava. “I’ve been hoping we’re girlfriends, but I won’t be upset if we’re not.”
“You have a boyfriend,” Ava said sourly.
“I do.” Briana took a deep breath. “I love Gary, and I’m not going to stop loving him. I won’t apologize for it either. My heart has more than one spot for loving people. I love you too, and I don’t love you less because I love Gary. I don’t love you less because I love Mom, Dad, or Melody, either.”
“You’re polyamorous.”
“I guess. I know what polyamory is, but I don’t know a lot about it. I know that I have an Ava-shaped hole in my heart that was very sad when I hurt you. I know that I don’t love you the way I love Melody or even the way that I loved Melody before they became my sibling.”
Briana shrugged and smiled at Ava. “I love you the same way I love Gary, but with differences because you’re a different person.”
“What if I can’t be with someone who loves someone else the same way they love me?” Ava kept her eyes on her cone.
“I’ll be sad. But that’ll be for me to deal with. I hope you’ll still be in my life somehow because nobody but Ava can fit in that spot in my heart.”
“I’ll be sad too – if I can’t be with you because you love Gary,” Ava said softly. “But I’m still not sure if I can do it.”
“I can wait for you to figure it out.”
“Briana, I’m not even sure if I love you yet.”
“I can wait for you to figure that out too.”
“It’s weird to talk to you when you’re like this.” Ava leaned against Briana, resting her head atop the smaller girl’s head.
“You mean when I’m not Little?”
“Yeah.”
It seemed like Ava wanted to say something more, but she fell silent instead. Briana took the opportunity to attack her ice cream cone. Little Briana had been nervous about its meltiness for a while. They finished their cones in what was – for Briana at least – a comfortable silence. When Briana returned from throwing the napkins away, Ava reached out and threaded her fingers through Briana’s.
“I want to try to be your girlfriend.”
Happy fireworks exploded in Briana’s heart! Her maybe-girlfriend-but-maybe-not-and-that’s-okay-but-only-kind-of-okay friend was officially her girlfriend. Rather than squeal right in Ava’s face – it was going to be one of the deafening squeals – Briana leaned in to kiss her new girlfriend. The kiss was soft, sweet, and oh! Ava had a hand on the back of Briana’s thigh, just under her skirt, and her other hand on Briana’s side. Those were good places to put hands, but Briana could think of better ones. As the kiss deepened, she thought of several better places for Ava’s hands.
Both girls were pink-cheeked as they pulled apart. Ava licked her lips, which was the most fascinating thing Briana had ever seen. She had feelings about seeing Ava’s tongue, feelings in her pullup. Despite those feelings, ravishing Ava on a bench outside the campus bookstore wouldn’t do. At the very least, it seemed like it would be an immediate failure for Emeline’s lady lessons.
Briana cleared her throat. “So – um – shopping?”
“Huh?” Ava stared at Briana in confusion for a moment, then giggled. “Right. Shopping. Where are we going?”
“The Black Veil. We’ll have to switch busses downtown, but we can get there without any more walking besides getting to the campus bus station.”
“That’s the super-goth store, isn’t it?” Ava hoisted herself on her crutches, setting a steady pace toward the bus station. “Is that the only store in town your mom shops at?”
Briana laughed. “I don’t think it’s the only one, but she might own stock in it.”
“Maybe I should pick something up there.” Ava glanced down at Briana. “Or would that be weird since your mom dresses that way?”
“I wouldn’t mind having a goth girlfriend. They’re super fashionable.”
Ava chuckled, though it ended in a wheeze. “You’re hot in that fit for sure.”
“I’ll remember that. The visiting princess never did get her reward. To compensate for it being delayed, I could let her pick the outfit I reward her in.”
“Are you going to flirt with me the entire time we’re shopping?”
“Unless you tell me to stop.” Briana winked. “I have to do something, or I’ll be all over you.”
“This is going to be a hell of a trip.”
Later, Briana would remember their flirty banter on the way to the bus station as the beginning of something new and wonderful in her life. Though she didn’t usually remember people’s exact words, Ava’s assessment of their shopping trip stuck with her. She had had no way to know how prophetic they would be – not that Ava could have known either.