Midday came with the apartment door banging open. Sarita looked up blearily from the couch and realized that Astra must have a key to her apartment. She couldn’t remember if she’d given Astra a key or not, but it didn’t matter. Astra having her own key meant that Sarita didn’t have to get up off the couch.
After cooing over Sarita napping like a cute baby on the couch, Astra was a whirlwind of activity. She changed Sarita into a nighttime diaper with a booster pad and disappeared to the kitchen to make lunch. Sarita was content to be totally passive throughout, letting Astra feed her by hand.
With lunch done, Astra snatched a few bites of food for herself, checked Nero’s dishes, and bagged up a load of laundry. Before she was out the door, she showered Sarita in kisses, lamenting that she was going to have to work late. Three times, Astra promised to be back the moment she was done working. Then she was gone, like a momentous comet.
An hour later – as the energy from her lunch kicked in – Sarita sighed and stirred from the couch. There was a stack of packing material by the door, plenty of boxes, a tape gun, and pre-printed colored stickers that said “Kitchen”, “Bedroom”, “Storage”, and so on.
Despite her leaden limbs, Sarita assembled a box and filled it with books. She had three boxes of books done when a knock came at the door. Stupidly, she stared at the door, wondering why Astra didn’t just walk in again.
“Come in!”
“Uh – I can’t.” It was Nohemi’s voice. Sarita smacked her forehead to clear her stupor and rushed over to open the door.
“Hey Mimi. Come in – but for real now.”
Nohemi smiled awkwardly and entered. She was dressed in her snappy masc-gear, looking just as sharp as last time in a vest and pinstriped slacks. “Thanks. I wanted to talk about what happened last night at the Fairy. I’m uh – I didn’t do it right.”
“Oh, sure.” Sarita smiled encouragingly and waddled over to her couch to take a seat.
“You’re really babied up.” Nohemi caught sight of the boxes and frowned. “Are you moving?”
“It’s a whole thing.” Sarita sighed. “We can talk about last night if you want.”
“Is that okay?” Nohemi wrung her hands. “You seem off. Sarita, I want to be your – good friend. When I’m emotional, it’s hard for me to express what I’m thinking. Like last night at the Fairy – I couldn’t say anything. I knew it was wrong to walk away, but I didn’t have any other options.”
“I wish you’d stayed – even if you went away from the conversation. Hiding is something I get though. Sometimes I just – can’t.”
“I’ve had so many conversations with Astra. She talks too fast, and so confidently. I can’t keep up. Emotions are hard, I have to think about what I’m saying to make sure that I’m saying the what I mean.” Nohemi paced in front of the apartment door. “Astra never gives me that time. So I left.”
“Yeah… she doesn’t have a slow gear.” Sarita smiled wryly.
“Is that why you’re babied up? Does she want you like this on your days off?” Nohemi took a deep breath. “Wait, sorry, I take that back. I didn’t come her to grill you about her – like the other time.”
Sarita shrugged. Words strained against her chest and throat, but she couldn’t make them come out. What if Astra doesn’t let me see Mimi anymore? Or if Mimi doesn’t want to see me because I’m living with Astra? Am I going to lose everybody?
“Did I say something wrong? Please don’t be mad. I’m trying to figure out how to say…” Nohemi stopped her pacing in front of the boxes and stared at them. Slowly, she turned her gaze to Sarita. “Are you moving in with Astra?”
“Y-yes,” Sarita whimpered. “Don’t be mad, please.”
“I’m not mad, I’m confused.” Nohemi rubbed the back of her neck. “Stop me if I’m saying something I shouldn’t but – you looked so cute with Pauline. Whenever I see you with Astra, you look stressed.”
“Ha-ha.” Sarita felt her laugh come out strained and scary. “Well, it’s a whole thing, like I said.”
“Can you explain?” Nohemi knitted her brows in worry. “If that’s okay.”
“I don’t know it’s…” It’s a reason I’m ashamed of. I’m scared. Mimi’s going to think I’m a stupid failure, or get mad at me for letting Astra do whatever she wants. The silence stretched out, with Sarita watching Nohemi’s expression become progressively more distressed.
“It’s none of my business. I should have said congratulations.” Nohemi smiled hesitantly. “I’m sorry, you’ve got good news and you’re worried I’m going to be upset. I’m glad you’re so happy with Astra.”
“Happy.” Sarita cast her eyes down, watching her hands tremble in her lap. Her poofy lap, with childish tights straining against the bulk of padding that Astra had put her in. “I uh – yeah, it’s great. Astra’s over the moon, it’s her dream come true. I’m going to be a full-time baby girl.”
“Is that what you want?” Nohemi leaned on the couch arm. “You don’t look happy.”
“It’s a big thing, is all.” Sarita wiped at her eyes. “Moving is stressful – you know. It’s a little scary but I’ll make it work. I don’t really have a choice.”
“What does that mean? Sarita – please, what’s going on?”
Sarita stared at Nohemi. For a moment, she thought she could hold firm – could keep her problems from crashing on Nohemi. All at once, her façade crumbled. “I lost my job. Astra’s saving me.”
Nohemi’s eyes went wide and Sarita rushed to reassure her friend. “She knows I’m broke, I didn’t trick her! Astra is good at taking care of people, she really wants to do this. I – I’ll get used to being a baby girl. I like it a lot sometimes. It can be fun all the time too, I’m sure. She loves me. I lo – lo – she’s my Angel.”
“You’re doing this because you need a place to live?” Nohemi’s condescending disbelief was heartbreaking.
“Have you ever been homeless?” Sarita balled up her fists, feeling rage well up inside her. “Well I have! I was homeless for two weeks and it was terrifying! I wasn’t even on the street. I can’t – the street swallows people up. I had a friend who was living on the street and one day she was just – gone.”
“You don’t have to be homeless.” Nohemi frowned.
“Who’s going to pay my rent, you?” Sarita slammed her fist into her couch in frustration. “Even if you could, that’s not fair.”
“I mean, it’s your decision…” Nohemi straightened up, biting her lip. She wrapped her arms around herself, watching Sarita cautiously.
Sarita glared back, daring Nohemi to explain away all her problems, like Sarita was going to be able to magically fix everything in her life. The whole point is that I suck and I can’t make it on my own! Astra’s better than lots of people I could end up with.
“Look, I don’t want to get into a fight, I…” Nohemi’s frown hardened, she shook her head. “But if you want to fight, I will. This isn’t okay.”
“Why, because it’s not how YOU would do it?”
“Because you don’t want this! I’m not great at reading people’s emotions but yours are clear! You don’t want to be Astra’s full time baby and I don’t blame you!” Nohemi shuddered and tugged at her hair. “Sarita, what happens if you break up? Then you’ll really be out on the street.”
“That’s why I can’t break up!” Sarita shouted. “I’ll do what she says, and be a good baby girl, and it’ll be fine!”
“NO.” Nohemi set her jaw and stepped forward. “That’s not fine. That’s not right, and I won’t let you do it unless there’s no other way.”
“There IS no other way! My dad is in Mexico, I can’t get there without Nero dying in an airplane cargo compartment. Dad can’t pay my rent either. I can’t ask Pauline to take me in, if that’s what you want. Am I supposed to guilt trip her into letting me move in?” Sarita sobbed and pressed her palms against her eyes until she saw stars. “There’s nobody else!”
“There’s me.” Nohemi spoke confidently into the echo left by Sarita’s shout. “There’s Pauline, Tanner, and Oriana. Nieves and Paul count too. You have Ineis at The Pony.”
“I can’t ask you to save me! Astra already wanted to do it!”
“You’re not asking. I’m offering.”
“But Pauline and Tanner and – and everybody aren’t.” Sarita whimpered, breaking into a fresh round of sobs.
“You’re about to be surprised.” Nohemi kneeled down next to Sarita on the couch. “Please let me find you some options. Please, Sarita. I can’t bear for you to be so sad – to stay in a relationship that hurts you. I care about you too much.”
“It’s too late. I already arranged everything with Astra.”
“My mom used to say that it’s never too late until we’re dead.” Nohemi put her hand on Sarita’s leg. “Let me try, please. If I can’t find you another option, I’ll help you pack to move in with Astra.”
“Really?” Sarita blinked away tears in confusion.
“Really. I promise.” Nohemi put her hand over her heart, like the over-serious dork she was. Sarita laughed through her sobs and nodded.
“Okay. Wh-what would you do?”
“The first thing is, you said you lost your job. Did you quit, or were you fired?”
“Neither.” Sarita sniffled. “Britt took me off the schedule, but she says I might get hours next week.”
“If she cut you off for a whole week, you can file for unemployment.” Nohemi nodded fervently at Sarita’s confused look. “The state counts it the same as firing.”
“Oh.”
“Unemployment takes a while, do you have any savings?”
“Um – I made some tips at the Fairy but they probably aren’t enough.”
“You made the Munch group a huge amount of money. Tanner was gushing about it. Part of the Munch money is an emergency fund for members. You wouldn’t be the first ABDL to suddenly have housing problems.”
“I can’t just – just…”
“Tanner manages the fund, it’s up to him. I’m going to call him. About the fund and another thing too.”
“Mimi – why?” Sarita sniffled. “Why are you trying so hard with me?”
“I love you, Sarita.” Before Sarita’s world could turn upside down, Nohemi ruffled her hair. Oh, like a little sister. That makes sense. For a minute I thought Nohemi was really in love with me.
“You have a lot of people that care about you, even if you don’t realize it. Give me a chance to mobilize the troops, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks Mimi.”
“Of course, tonta.” Nohemi took a seat on the couch and patted Sarita’s feet. “How long do we have until Astra comes back?”
“I don’t know. She said she had to work late and apologized a bunch. There wasn’t a time mentioned.”
“We have until pretty late then.” Nohemi smiled and pulled out her phone. “That’s good. Before I start calling people, I want to let you know that I’m not taking over, I’m not going to fix this for you.”
“You – you’re not?” Sarita’s belly flip flopped. Then what was that whole speech about?
“No. I’m going to give you a second choice. You get to pick which one you do.”
“Oh.” Sarita smiled weakly. Please don’t do that again Mimi, my heart can’t take it. “I get it. Thank you.”
Nohemi squeezed Sarita’s leg and dialed one of her contacts. “Hey Tanner, it’s Nohemi. Yeah, I know. I’m sorry I don’t call more, but this is an emergency. I need to talk to you about the Munch’s member support fund, and I’m calling in the favor you owe me.”
Favor? What favor? Damn it Mimi, what are you doing? Sarita listened to Nohemi’s half of the phone conversation, her jaw dropping when Mimi asked Tanner if he knew anyone who was hiring. Her attempt to protest was shut down by Nohemi’s open palm in her face.
Oh, very mature Mimi. “Talk to the hand”? What is this, grade school? The irony of Sarita complaining about Nohemi’s maturity while she was thickly diapered sank in painfully. Sarita waddled off to check on Nero while Nohemi wrapped up her conversation with Tanner and rang Oriana.
Nero had gone into full hiding mode under the bed. No matter what Sarita did, coaxing him with treats, telling him that Nohemi was visiting, or grabbing for him – she couldn’t get Nero out of the corner he’d backed himself into. Rolling her eyes at her cat, Sarita wandered back to the bedroom.
“There you are.” Nohemi shoved her phone in her pocket. “Tanner was impressed with your decorating job, he said the colors were really good. I mentioned that you do graphic design sometimes, and he asked if you had any samples. Do you?”
“Uh – I have some mock-ups I made once when I was putting a portfolio together.” Sarita sighed. “I never finished the portfolio though.”
“Can you send Tanner whatever you have? I’ll text you his email.”
“Sure.” Pulling up the old designs was agonizing. Every mistake and janky choice stood out like it was outlined in fluorescent orange. Sarita swallowed her artistic pride and sent the images off to Tanner. “What now?”
“Oriana and Nieves are on their way to pick up Paul, then they’ll come here. Tanner will join us when he can, but he’s at work.” Nohemi hesitated. “I didn’t call Pauline. I will, if you need me to, but I think you should call her.”
“I can’t.” Sarita whimpered. “I’ve been so awful to her. I was going to ditch her – again!”
“You were scared. Nothing permanent has happened yet. I know she cares about you. Do you care about her?”
“I love her,” Sarita whispered, shamefacedly.
“Then she needs to be here.”
“Can I text her, instead of calling?”
Nohemi chuckled. “Yes.”
Sarita nodded and searched the living room until she found her phone. The message she sent was as short as she could manage without freaking Pauline out – she hoped. “Pauline – Something bad happened and I’m freaking out. Mimi is helping me but if you can, I want you here. If you can’t, it’s okay.”
Pauline’s reply was almost instant. “I’m on my way.”
“She’s coming – she didn’t even ask what’s going on.” Sarita felt tears dribble down her cheeks. It felt like she’d never done anything but cry.
“Of course she is, and of course she didn’t.” Nohemi squeezed Sarita in a crushing hug. “Is it that hard to believe that people care about you, pequeñita?”
“I’m a screw-up. People get sick of it.”
“No, you’re a Sarita.” Nohemi squeezed Sarita again and sat her on the couch. “You can really hurt yourself by saying you are something bad. Don’t stick a bad noun to yourself. Realize that you did a bad verb, but that it isn’t you.”
“What?”
“You’re not a screw-up. You might have screwed something up, but failing doesn’t make you a failure.” Nohemi shrugged. “It’s a thing my therapist told me. She helped me see that I was putting a lot of bad stuff on myself that didn’t belong there.”
Sarita looked down and chewed over Nohemi’s words. Her past stretched out before her, full of failures and mistakes. What would it be like if those were just things I did, instead of who I am? Though she didn’t have enough time to process a grand revelation, Sarita felt a bloom of hope.
“Thanks Mimi.”
“I hope it helps. I’m not good with wise words, but I can remember what people said that helped me.”
Sarita had enough energy left to smile and nod gratefully at Nohemi. They sat quietly until the next knock on the door. Oriana, Nieves, and Paul entered with noisy concern. Their first order of business was to envelop Sarita in a four-way-hug, upgrading it to five-way when Oriana ordered Nohemi to join.
The hug gave Sarita the courage to tell her friends an abbreviated version of what was happening. To her relief, they didn’t interrogate her about her baby outfit, or where she’d been planning to move. Hearing that she’d lost her job and didn’t have rent money was enough to energize them into an outpouring of support.
“Tanner will totally give you some money.” Paul took a seat on the floor next to Sarita. She was surprised to hear loud crinkles accompany his movements. “You made so much with the diapers, more than ever before.”
“But that’s for the Munch.” Sarita looked Paul over carefully and was amused to see what she’d thought was his shirt was actually a onesie who’s bottom was covered by Paul’s baggy jeans.
“I’m sure the next time people will still be hyped to buy your stuff. The hype might not last past the next time, but you already did a lot.” Paul nodded. “Don’t blow me off just because I’m Little. Tanner and I talk about how the Munch money gets handled.”
“If you can’t keep this place, you can crash our couch for at least two weeks.” Oriana sat on the couch, squeezing herself between Nohemi and Sarita. Things got really crowded when Nieves took a seat on Oriana’s lap.
“I can make the same offer.” Nohemi peeked over Oriana and smiled encouragingly.
“You guys…” Sarita sniffled.
“No more crying!” Paul bumped his head against Sarita’s arm and wormed his way into a snuggle. “You already cried a lot today. I’m sure you’ll be okay with the Munch money, and a month of places to crash.”
Paul’s words were sounding temptingly true. Hesitantly, Sarita let herself believe that something good was going to happen. The positive omens were confirmed when Nero came out from hiding and crawled over all her friends, ending his tour in Nohemi’s lap.
“Pspspsps!” Paul waved his hand urgently at Nero. The little black emperor ignored him and curled up on Nohemi’s lap, tucking his tail over his nose.
“Let him be. He’ll come to you when he thinks you don’t want him.” Sarita chuckled.
“But I do want him.” Paul pouted fussily.
“You’ll have to pretend. Haven’t you ever had a cat bef…” Sarita jumped at the loud knocking sound from her door. Before anyone else could get up, she vaulted over the couch back and fast-waddled to the door.
Sarita’s relief at seeing Pauline was so strong that she wet herself. There wasn’t time to worry about that reaction, especially with how well padded she was. She pulled Pauline into the apartment and hugged her desperately.
“Hi there hon.” Pauline squeezed Sarita tightly. “What’s going on? The whole gang’s here.”
“Can we talk – in my bedroom?” Sarita looked up at Pauline plaintively.
“Of course.” Pauline followed Sarita to the bedroom with worried curiosity on her face.
Sarita took a seat on the bed and patted a spot next to her. “My life is – melting down. I got fired or laid off or something today.”
“Oh no, sweetie!” Pauline took her seat and squeezed Sarita’s hand. “What can I do to help?”
“Wait – before you offer that, I have to tell you what I did.” I’m doing it, Mimi. This better work out, or I’m going to cry snot all over your pretty vest. Sarita watched Pauline nervously, but she didn’t seem upset, only concerned.
“I panicked and – I told Astra that I’d be her full time baby girl.” Sarita trembled and closed her eyes. Rejection on Pauline’s face would be unbearable. “Please let me finish! I – I knew she’d take me in. Being homeless is so scary – I know a little bit about what it’s like. So I ran to her but – I don’t love her. I don’t like how she wants me to be only a baby. I love you.”
“Why didn’t you ask me if you could move in?”
“Because – because I didn’t want to ruin what we had – what we have.” Sarita sniffled. “I care about you too much to – to be that girl who moved in with her girlfriend and never had money for rent and was a lump in the living room and – and…”
“I think I get it.” Pauline bonked her forehead against Sarita’s. “That’s sweet. Really, really stupid, but sweet.”
“It’s too soon for us to move in together!”
“I agree. But I would have tried to help somehow. What changed your mind?”
“Um – Mimi told me I was being stupid and I yelled at her, and she didn’t go away even though she totally should have, and then I finally listened to her.”
Pauline gently but firmly karate-chopped Sarita on the head. “You almost panicked yourself into a scary relationship trap.”
“I know, and I feel awful. For you – and for Astra. She loves me – and it’s not like I don’t care about her.” Sarita flopped onto her side and wormed her head into Pauline’s lap. “Now I promised something to her that I don’t want to – that I can’t do, and she’s going to be really hurt.”
“Yeah, she is.” Pauline sighed and stroked Sarita’s hair. “Are you going to be able to do the right thing when you talk to her? Maybe you can call her to make it easier.”
“I don’t know. She’s um – coming here. Tonight. I’m not sure when.”
“Are we being filmed? Is this a reality show about queer disasters?”
“Don’t make fun!”
“Sarita, I have to make a little bit of fun of you or I’ll bonk you again.”
“You could spank me.”
“First of all, not with our entire friend group out there. Second, no, because sexy play is not a substitute for talking stuff out.”
“Not even in ABDL relationships?”
“No hon, god no.”
“Oh. Because that’s how Astra and I did stuff.”
“What?”
“If we had a fight – she’d spank me or put soap in my mouth or whatever, and that would fix it.”
“That – did not fix it.” Pauline shook her head. “Did you ever talk to her about that?”
“I tried once. I set boundaries and stuff but – she’s so strong.”
“Sweetie, you are breaking my heart.”
“Did I really break it?” Sarita scrunched her eyes closed, tensing like she would against a physical blow. “Are we – over?”
“No, we aren’t.” Pauline sighed. “But we have a lot of conversations coming up about this. I can never feel safe with you. You always have one foot out the door.”
Ouch. Sarita opened her eyes, looked up at Pauline and nodded. I deserved that. But – like Mimi said, I did a bad thing, but I’m not bad. Sarita wasn’t sure if she believed it, but she was only feeling regular guilty, not heartburn-inducing guilty. It was an improvement, at least.
A soft knock at the bedroom door made both girls look up. “It’s Nohemi. I have Tanner on the phone for you, Sarita.”
Gracias a dios that it’s not Astra. Yet. “Okay, coming.” Sarita took Nohemi’s phone from her with a mouthed thanks. “Hi, it’s Sarita.”
“Hi Sarita, it’s Tanner. I sent your designs to a client of mine. She runs a graphic design studio and she really liked them.”
“She did?”
“Are you available for a job interview tomorrow?”
“Uh – yeah, any time!”
“Great. My client’s name is Colleen. Her studio is Ardent Graphic and Design. I’ll text you the address. Her preferred time is eleven tomorrow morning.”
“I’ll be there. Thank you!”
“You’re welcome. It’s no problem, she’s been looking for another designer for a while, but this isn’t a promise that you have a job. You have to pass the interview.”
“I understand.” Sarita wiped her sleeve across her eyes. “It’s still a huge help.”
“It’s really nothing. You can tell Nohemi I still owe her a favor. Did Paul talk to you about the Munch emergency fund?”
“He did but…”
“Good! Then I’ll let him handle that. There’s plenty of money in there. If you need to draw up to an entire month’s rent, you can. We can talk about paying the money back to the fund later, when you’re not worried about housing insecurity. You’ve contributed more than most members to the fund anyway.”
“Tanner – thank you. I don’t know what to say.”
“Me either, and I’m already late for a meeting with a client. I’m working late but I’ll come by to pick Paul up tonight, if you don’t mind him hanging around until then.”
“Of course, he’s welcome to hang out.”
“Great. I’ll talk to you later. Sorry for the short call, I wanted to let Colleen know about the interview right away. Bye.”
“Bye.” Sarita stared at the phone in wonder.
“Well?” Pauline was bouncing on the bed. Nohemi was still at the door, looking expectantly.
“I have a job interview tomorrow at eleven.” Sarita felt like she was speaking underwater, in a dream. “At a graphic design studio – to be a designer.”
“That’s amazing!” Pauline jumped off the bed and grabbed Sarita, spinning her around. Nohemi’s face flashed by in Sarita’s spinning vision, smiling happily.
“I might not get it. It’s just an interview.” Sarita couldn’t stop smiling, despite her words.
“You got a next-day interview. You have a chance at least.” Nohemi said firmly. There was a rumble of conversation outside the bedroom. Nohemi turned to look.
“For real!” Pauline nodded.
“Princess! What’s going on!” Astra’s voice came clearly across the apartment.
With a bottomless pit in her stomach, Sarita disengaged from Pauline and pushed past Nohemi into the living room. She could have cut the awkwardness with a knife and served it like cake. There would have been more than enough awkward-cake for everyone. All her friends’ faces had strained expressions at seeing Astra the doorway with the key in her hand.
“Angel.” Sarita felt the full force of Astra’s hurt, confused gaze. Her guilt squeezed her stomach and set her chest burning. “We have to talk.”
“I think we do.” Astra blinked away tears. “Can we please – talk privately?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t think I can.” Sarita winced at Astra’s incredulous look. “I have trouble saying what I need to say when we talk alone.”
“That’s – that’s not fair! I ask you how you’re feeling! I’ve been doing my best. You – you called me! You asked me to be my baby girl, I didn’t push you into it.”
“Astra.” Oriana’s voice was quiet, but she made it carry. “Please don’t yell. Sarita doesn’t do well with that. Nobody does, really.”
“I’m sorry but I feel really ganged up on!” Astra’s voice had a strong note of panic in it, her hands were trembling. “There’s nobody on my side here. I came over expecting to help my Princess pack and – and I don’t even know what I walked into.”
“It’s not fair – and it’s my fault.” Sarita sighed. “I guess – I guess we can talk in the bedroom. But please, Angel – let me talk and listen to me, like you did with the sugar packets.”
“Of course, you know I’ll do anything for you.” Astra closed the apartment door and smiled pleadingly at Sarita. “I don’t know what happened, but I can fix this. Please don’t be mad, Princess, I can make this work.”
Nohemi and Pauline sidled gingerly out of the bedroom. Sarita winced. Honestly, someone should be filming this. It would make great reality TV. As Astra strode forward, Sarita retreated to the bedroom.
In the doorway, Nohemi caught Astra’s arm. “Don’t bully her.”
Astra’s glare could have melted steel. There was explosive fury in her tone when she retorted, “I am going to fight for my love.”
The last thing Sarita saw before the bedroom door closed was Nohemi’s worried frown. Then there was just her Angel, looming in front of her with a face full of hurt.
“Princess, how could you do this to me? You didn’t text me to warn me what I was going to find when I came here. Do you know how hurtful that was?”
Sarita closed her eyes, wincing. What am I going to say? There’s no way out of this that doesn’t end in screaming and tears – is there?