For the first time in her life, Camila skipped class when she wasn’t sick. Though, she wasn’t so sure she wasn’t sick. She didn’t know if heart-sick counted as an excuse, but she had thrown up after lunch. It was afternoon already, and not a peep from Belén.
Camila had checked her text conversation with Belén a hundred times that day. She’d even tried fiddling with her phone’s network settings, trying every option in case Belén’s text was blocked on one of the network paths.
Homework should have been a priority, both as a distraction and because she was missing class. Camila’s only attempt at studying had turned into a lost cause in five minutes. She could only manage to check her texts, while wretchedly lying in bed.
For most of the day, she’d wondered why Belén’s rejection had hurt so much. She liked the girl a lot, but they hadn’t dated long. It wasn’t until her grief had made her nauseous enough to send Camila running for the bathroom that she connected her feelings to a memory.
In high school, Camila had had a few short, mostly disastrous relationships. The worst was with Nikki. Nikki had gone out with Camila, thinking she was a lesbian exclusively. When she found out Camila was bisexual, the meltdown she’d had made Belén’s reaction look like an easygoing smile.
Though Belén hadn’t screamed, cursed, or thrown things, her rejection felt like Nikki’s. In both cases Camila’s girlfriend had looked down on her for something she was. The thing that broke them up was something Camila wasn’t ashamed of. But her girlfriends had treated it as shameful.
If there was anything valuable to be gained from her fight with Belén, it was the realization that being ABDL was part of who she was. The Delta-Gs hadn’t turned her into a diaper girl, she was always going to be ABDL when she got the chance. As consolation prizes went, it wasn’t worth the price of admission.
“Camila I – I can see you’re really sad and if you want to be alone, I’ll leave you alone.” Lamara was standing awkwardly over Camila’s bed, her expression somewhere between pained and concerned. “I want to say – I’m sorry you’re hurting. Um – I care about you, I’m sorry it hurts.”
Camila looked up at her roommate from the rumpled comforter she’d been thrashing on all day and smiled weakly. “Thank you. I care about you a lot too. If you want to, a hug would be nice. But only if you want one too.”
For as socially disconnected as Lamara usually seemed, she was quick to kneel down and hug Camila. She was good at it too, holding Camila without getting restless or trying to talk. They spent a long five minutes holding each other. By the end of it, Camila wasn’t sure who had needed the hug more.
“Do you want to say what happened?” Lamara asked.
“I think Belén might be breaking up with me.” Camila sniffled. “Because I told her I’m ABDL.”
“Oh, that’s hard.” Lamara’s eyes fell, painful memories were written on her face. “I’m sorry. I know something about that.”
“I can see.” Camila touched Lamara gently on the shoulder. “I had someone reject me for something different before – something that made me, me. Is that what you’re feeling?”
Lamara nodded. “It wasn’t dating though. It was a friendship breakup.”
“Those are just as bad. I’m sorry Lamara. I think you’re a really good friend. I’m glad we got paired as roommates.”
“Do you mean that? I’m not being rude – but I know people say things they don’t actually mean, when someone is sad.”
“They do, and it’s something I do sometimes. I’ll try to never do it with you. I really mean what I said. You’re a good roommate as well as a good friend. I’m sorry I made the room smell like poop the other night.”
Lamara giggled. “It wasn’t that bad – mostly it was unexpected. It wasn’t your fault either. I’m not mad about it.”
“It’s not something I want to do again anyway.”
“I hope it doesn’t happen. You looked really upset about it.”
“I was.” Camila sighed. “I guess if – if Belén breaks up with me for being ABDL, I’ll have more time to be Little.”
“Would you ever want to hang out in our room, with us both Little?” Lamara asked quietly.
“I’d love that. I didn’t know if that’s something you wanted to do.”
“I like the Little part more than I like the diaper part. The diapers are interesting because they’re unusual but – I like the Little part. It’s just as hard to get people to be Little with me here as it was to have friends when I was that age, though.”
“No matter what happens with Belén, I’ll make time to be Little with you. Would it be okay if Betty was here, or do you want it to be just us?”
“I don’t know.” Lamara shrugged. “I’d try it with her here at least once.”
“Let’s do that. It’s easy for me to be Little when I’m around her. Maybe it’ll be the same for you.”
“She seems really nice.”
“She is – you have no idea. She’s surprised me a bunch of times with how patient she is with me.”
“I’d like to get to know her better.” Lamara smiled, sighed, and frowned. “I’m sorry, I talked about my own thing instead of what you were talking about.”
“In this case, that was perfect. It was a great distraction. You cheered me up.” Camila gave Lamara a quick hug.
“Really?”
“Well, not all the way up, but I’m a lot less sad than I was. Thanks, Lamara.”
“You’re welcome. I’m not sure I’ve ever cheered someone up before. It feels good.”
“I told you. You’re a good friend.”
Lamara’s calm façade crumbled, she wiped at her eyes while her lower lip trembled. “You’re a really good friend. Thank you.”
“Aw, hon.” Camila slid off her bed and wrapped her arms around Lamara. They hugged quietly together for another long time, until they were both breathing calmly.
“People think I don’t feel things like they do, but I do. The difference is that I don’t know how to…” Lamara’s whispers trailed away to nothing.
“How to show it?” Camila squeezed Lamara gently. “You do show it, and it’s different from how other people do. This afternoon helped me understand a lot more.”
Lamara nodded slowly. “I’ve been trying to understand you.”
“I know. It shows. Thank you.”
“Um, I don’t want to hug anymore, but I don’t know how to tell you that without – saying it like I just did.”
“The way you did it is fine.” Camila let Lamara go and smiled at her. “Do you need some quiet time?”
“I do.” Lamara smiled softly. “You’re doing a good job – understanding me.”
“We’ll keep working at it.” Camila hopped up on her bed. “Go do your thing. I’ll be here when you want to talk more – unless Belén contacts me.”
“That’s fair. Thanks.” Lamara retreated to her bed as well, pulling out her tablet.
Melancholy, but with her heart at peace, Camila spaced out on her bed. When her phone chimed with a text notification, it was at maximum volume. Lamara and Camila both yelped at the noise.
“Sorry! I’ll mute it now.” Camila grabbed her phone and flicked it open.
[Belén: 04:48] Let’s talk. My room? No roommate.
[Camila: 04:49] I’ll be right there.
With trembling fingers, Camila closed her phone. Belén couldn’t be planning to break up if she wanted to have the conversation in her room, could she? It would make more sense to pick a neutral location for that. Something like the sculpture Camila had picked. Maybe that was a bad choice. Did it set a negative tone for the whole conversation?
Camila checked her diaper, finding it dry. She resolved to go to the bathroom before she left, regardless. In a flurry of dressing, she threw off her comfy sweatpants and put on a cute skirt, blouse, and boots. In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth, combed her hair out, and threw on some concealer and eyeliner.
Her diaper was a non-negotiable part of the outfit for a lot of reasons. The rest of the outfit would hopefully generate some good will from Belén. Also, I don’t think makeup sex is too much to hope for, is it?
Camila jogged across campus as fast as she could go without turning herself into a sweaty mess. Waiting for the elevator in Belén’s dorm was intolerable, but running up the stairs would have overheated her for sure. Taking advantage of the break the elevator enforced, Camila ran down the old brick halls of the international dorm until she came to Belén’s door, panting.
The door opened partway through Camila’s first knock. She stood frozen, staring at Belén, who was equally still. Finally, Belén broke the silence. “Come in.”
No “¡Hola querida!” this time. Camila slunk into Belén’s room.
By the looks of it, her girlfriend’s roommate was still on her family trip. Sitting on the bed seemed too forward – and emotionally dangerous. Camila took a seat in Belén’s desk chair.
There might have been a flash of disappointment on Belén’s face as she sat on her bed, but Camila mistrusted it. She could easily have imagined a sign that Belén wanted her close.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Belén said quietly. “I was upset. In some ways I am still upset, but I’m ashamed of how I acted. I don’t want to break up with you – if we can fix this argument.”
“I’m sorry I made a mess of everything.” Camila wrung her skirt in her hands. “I panicked and I said a lot of things that must have sounded crazy and confusing. I said I’d talk plainly so you could understand – and then I didn’t.”
Camila met Belén’s gaze with pleading eyes. “Belén, please believe me when I say that I want this to work out. I don’t want to break up with you.”
“I want to ask questions.” Belén sighed. “My request is for you to answer them, as short as you can, completely honestly. Can you do that?”
But if you misunderstand I have to explain – no, that’s what got me in trouble last night. I think I can do this. Thank you, Lamara, for calming me down. Camila nodded sincerely.
“I’ll do my best. Stop me if I ramble too much. It won’t be because I’m trying to be confusing, it’ll be because I’m scared.”
“Thank you.” Belén looked down for a bit, then raised her eyes to Camila and asked, “Do you want me to change your diapers?”
“Not necessarily. Not if you don’t want to.”
Belén bit her lip in frustration. “Would you like our relationship more – would it make you happier if I wanted that?”
Camila winced. It feels like she’s trying to trap me into an answer. Maybe that’s not fair. She’s trying to ask something sensitive and complicated, in a second language. “Yes. If you genuinely wanted that, it would make me really happy.”
Belén nodded. “Thank you for being honest.”
Is that it? Are we done? Camila watched Belén fearfully as the other girl looked down in thought. When Belén finally lifted her head, Camila had nearly twisted her skirt into a knot.
“Do you want to – act the baby with me? Same question as the diapers, please don’t say if I want. Is that something you want, with me?”
“I would never force or trick you into it…” Camila blinked away tears that fell onto her blouse and skirt. “Yes, I want that. I – I dreamed that you did it for me.”
“You dreamed it?”
“As long as we’re being totally honest.” Camila shrugged, her voice cracking. “After that dream I realized I had to tell you. I’m sorry I made such a mess with how I did it.”
“What did I do, in the dream?”
“Um, a lot of stuff.” Camila squirmed. “Most of it I wouldn’t want to have happen in real life. You – changed me in a classroom full of people. It was really embarrassing.”
“But for you, embarrassing is – caliente, sexy.”
“It is, but that doesn’t mean that’s all I want. I’d never do what happened in that dream. There were some good parts but mostly – it was a weird dream. Sexy, but weird.”
“What were the good parts?”
“You took care of me.”
Belén smiled a little. Tentatively, she reached for Camila. Abandoning her grip on her rumpled skirt, Camila grabbed Belén’s hand and held it gently.
“You said online, so I looked online for the ABDL.”
Camila winced. “Um, there’s a lot of stuff that…”
Belén nodded. “Just like with any pornography. I wish there was more in Spanish, it took a long time to find any regular people talking about it.”
“What did you find?”
“People who like what you like. Some were weird, even dangerous sounding. Some were being silly, others were discussing intellectually.”
“Please be honest, like you asked me to be. What did you think after you read all that?”
“I am afraid I cannot make my girlfriend happy. I don’t know if I can ever enjoy these things. I worry that a lot of the people I saw were very unhappy, or acting out in strange ways.”
“We could be happy even if we never did ABDL stuff.”
“I could be. Could you? Honestly?”
Camila looked down at their joined hands. She couldn’t make herself answer. When Belén pulled her hand away, it was clear that Camila had given an answer anyway.
“I thought so.”
“What now?” Camila asked, her voice cracking.
“I like you very much. I am willing to – try the diaper things.”
“We can go as slow as you want. So slow. One tiny thing at a time, and stop right away if you don’t like it.”
“Did you put on a diaper?” Belén asked quietly. When Camila nodded, Belén asked, “Can I see your diaper?”
A shiver ran violently up Camila’s spine. I have been waiting for her to ask that since I met her – without realizing it. “Yes.”
Camila stood up and put her hands on her skirt. She waited until Belén met her eyes. It wasn’t out of modesty that she hesitated, she realized. She wanted to make sure that Belén was ready to continue. When Belén nodded, Camila pulled her skirt up, showing off one of her usual pink diapers.
“You have one of the custom ones – but it doesn’t have the baby decorations on it.”
“These are my day to day ones. I have some of the cute ones with bears and things on there.”
“Hmm.” Belén was staring at Camila’s diaper like it could reveal the truth of ABDL to her.
“Do you want to touch it?”
“Yes.” Belén blushed – reached out slowly. Her touch was at first so light that Camila couldn’t feel it. She got more bold as her hands slid over the soft plastic, until she lightly squeezed the padding over Camila’s crotch.
“Ah!” Camila bit her lip, shivering at the little tingles that ran into her legs and up her spine.
“You felt that?”
“It’s just plastic and cotton, it’s not a chastity belt.”
Belén blushed and pulled her hand away quickly. “You liked it.”
“The same way you like me touching you over your panties or jeans.”
“That makes sense.” Belén sighed and ran a hand through her long black hair. “It’s prettier on you than I expected. Some of the girls in the pictures were pretty, but I didn’t know what it would be like in person.”
“It’s dry, in case you’re worried. You can touch as much as you want, and it’s just like extra-padded panties.”
“Camila – I don’t know what to think. I will be honest, like I asked you to be. I was hoping you’d say no to my questions. I wanted you to say that it was a rare thing for you that you felt you had to explain.”
Camila dropped her skirt and fell into the chair with a thump. “Is this the end?”
“No. Not for me. But for you – I must be treating you terribly. We couldn’t stop touching each other, now I am cold. I don’t want to hurt you, or promise things that I don’t know if I can do.”
“I have a very good friend who almost everyone thinks is cold,” Camila said softly. “I think she might be my best friend, or that she will be soon. She’s a very warm person, she cares a lot. But she can’t show it.”
“I’m like this friend to you now? I think that’s a fair thing for you to say but – it hurts to hear it.”
“You don’t understand. I don’t think she’s cold. She’s warm to me, even though she acts the same as she does with other people.”
Camila reached out and took Belén’s hands. She smiled gently when the other girl didn’t pull back. “I think this is hard for you, and you’re showing a lot of caring by not giving up. It does hurt – being honest – that you changed so much after our talk. I see that you’re hurt too. I want to fix both our hurts.”
“I want that too. Can we spend some time on the bed – no sex? Not much touching, but I would like kisses.”
“I’d really like that. I want to be close to you.” Camila squeezed Belén’s hands.
“If I have more questions while we cuddle, can I ask them?”
“Can I answer them longer this time?”
Belén nodded. “I got the answers I needed to have completely clear. Now I want to understand how you think about this.”
“Then yes.”
With a shy smile, Belén slid back on the bed, pulling Camila’s hands. Camila joined her girlfriend, fitting her body up against Belén. Simply putting her arms around her girlfriend, sharing their warmth, healed much more inside Camila than she expected.
“Will you tell me if you pee? I know you can’t always stop it. I won’t kick you out of bed, but can you tell me?” Belén bit her lip and added, “Is that hurtful for me to ask?”
“It’s not hurtful, exactly. But sometimes I don’t know when I go. My medical condition is real. I don’t like that I have accidents, but I can’t help it.”
“Oh.” Belén pressed her forehead to Camila’s shoulder. “When you told me you had an accident on our first time – that was truth.”
“It was.” Camila sighed.
“I am very sorry. I didn’t believe you.”
“Thank you.” Camila squeezed Belén tightly. “I’m sorry I dumped so much on you, and got frantic. It wasn’t fair, especially with you translating in your head the whole time.”
“I don’t always have to translate – I can think in English, but not with unfamiliar words. Talking about something unknown broke me down.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.” Belén returned the tight squeeze.
“Still girlfriends?” Camila bumped her lips against Belén’s.
“Still girlfriends.” Belén pressed her lips to Camila’s for a sweet, chaste kiss.
The kiss squeezed Camila’s torso through her chest all the way down to her gut. It was at once sweet and caring, while clearly signposting how much intimacy they’d lost. The kisses that followed gained in intensity, birthing hope in Camila’s chest. Hope that underscoring their loss.
Our relationship is never going to be the same again. It might be good again, I can even see us falling in love. But what we had is gone. We have to make a new thing now. With a tear at the silly, horny, adventurous relationship that was gone – Camila drew Belén close. Their breath fell into the same rhythm, creating a warm beat for the new melody they were laying down together.