“Mommy, I have to tell her.” Camila looked up at Betty from the floor of her Mommy’s room. Betty hadn’t put her there, Camila had chosen the floor on her own. It felt right to acknowledge that she was Betty’s Little, when she was in her Mommy’s room. They didn’t need to be actively playing for Camila to lean on Betty for support.
“I haven’t disagreed with you on telling Belén about your diapers, not once. It’s a delicate topic. Hitting her with it all at once is what I object to.” Betty smiled at Camila from her bed. “I’m worried about misunderstandings, hon.”
“I am too, but I have to do it my way. Belén and my whole problem is that I’ve been keeping stuff from her. I have to be me.”
“Everyone has versions of themselves. Some of the versions of you are more calm and subtle than others.”
“That’s not fair, you always see me when I’m half-Little. I’m a big girl around Belén.”
“I can’t judge what I don’t see, but I know that diapers and being Little are connected for you. It’s one thing to discuss diapers and being an adult baby with Belén, it’d be another to slip into being Little with her. That second thing would be too much.”
“I won’t. I’ll be too scared to.” Camila scooted forward and hugged Betty’s legs. “I don’t want her to be my mommy. I want you to be my mommy.”
“I’m not jealous, if you’re worried about that.” Betty stroked Camila’s hair.
“I’m not, but I wanted you to know anyway. Plus it’s relevant because I don’t want to be Little with her, just tell her about my diapers.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to be Little with her? Remember, as long as you don’t out the sorority or your sisters, it’s okay to tell her you’re AB.”
“I want to explain that part to her, but it’s different than playing with her.”
“I’m still against a big info-dump, but ultimately it’s your decision.” Betty tugged on Camila’s shoulders until the Little girl climbed up on the bed. “Are you going to wear a diaper when you have your conversation?”
Camila nodded. “The one I’ve got on. I’m supposed to meet her in an hour.”
“You never do things halfway, do you hon?”
“That’s not a bad thing. I always get As, and extra credit, and medals when I play sports!”
“It wasn’t a criticism.” Betty patted Camila’s cheek. “It’s something I love about my Little girl. I think it’s both admirable and adorable.”
“Mommy! Don’t make me more Little. I have to talk to Belén soon.”
“It wasn’t me that sat you on the floor. Go do some homework until it’s time to leave. That always puts you in a big mood.”
“Yes Mommy.” Camila hopped up and stopped at the door. “Mommy – if the conversation goes bad – really bad, can I sleep with you tonight?”
“Yes sweetie. We need to talk about your potty training again at some point too. It’s a bigger project than I realized it was.”
Camila winced, suppressing the memory of her messy accident. “We will! It’s just there’s a lot of stuff going on right now. Love you Mommy!”
As Camila fled Betty’s room, she knew she hadn’t fooled her mommy for an instant. It didn’t matter. Buying even an hour’s delay of a conversation about her incontinence was a victory. Especially since her talk with Belén was an incontinence discussion, in part.
Homework brought a welcome distraction and the return of Camila’s fully adult headspace. Betty was right, as usual. Not for the first time, Camila blessed Heather for setting her up with Betty. I got so lucky with my mommy. I should do something nice for Betty, as soon as this Belén stuff is over.
~~~~*~~~~
Camila waited for Belén in one of the campus’s more abstract art pieces. The structure’s abstraction was more in its relation to art than its form. In form it was simple enough, a double circle of stone walls, with two doorways on the outside ring and two on the inner, offset from each other. Circular window-openings large enough to stand in were evenly spaced along the walls.
The sculpture was supposed to have something to do with stargazing, but Camila didn’t understand how that was supposed to work. All the wall openings looked out on the campus, not the sky. On top of that, the inner and outer openings didn’t line up.
Whatever the sculpture’s story, it was near a walkway-lamp. That made it worse for stargazing, but a friendly space after dark. It had the distinction of being one of the campus’ most private outdoor spaces, but one too close to a walkway to be a haven for drugs or hookups.
To distract herself from her anxious nerves, Camila walked along the inner ring with her hand on the smooth river stones that had been mortared together to build the wall. I wonder how many other people have used this place to have a private talk. How many breakups have these stones seen?
Sighing, Camila checked her phone again. There were no messages from Belén, but she wouldn’t be late for ten minutes. With her thoughts already obsessing about breakups, Camila dreaded those ten minutes.
“¡Hola querida!” Belén stepped into the inner ring, saving Camila from her worries by making them the immediate issue.
“Hola.” Camila met Belén in a rush and kissed her girlfriend like it was their last kiss. Please God, please don’t let it be the last one.
“Wow. That was… impresivo, impressive. I missed you too.” Belén smelled of jasmine and sandalwood – her taut body was a delight under Camila’s hands. For her part, Camila smelled of vanilla – to match the baby powder in her diaper.
“Belén, I have something I have to talk to you about.” Camila willed her heart to slow to no avail. Her heartbeat thundered in her chest until she thought Belén would be able to hear it.
Belén slipped out of Camila’s arms and took a nervous step back. “This is a private spot, but safe – please tell me we are not breaking up.”
“No! That’s the last thing I want.” Camilla swallowed around a painful lump in her throat. “I have to tell you something about me, but I’m scared. It’s a hard thing to tell – especially to tell my girlfriend.”
“Oh. Entiendo.” Belén smiled reassuringly and squeezed Camila’s arm. “Do we sit? Stand? What will make you most comfortable?”
“Standing, I think. I’m too nervous to sit.”
“Take your time.” Belén looked around the inner circle. After a moment’s deliberation, she picked a solid chunk of wall to lean against.
“I have a medical issue – but it’s complicated by other things. It’s – the thing is Belén, if we keep dating, you’ll find out eventually.” Camila paced back and forth, which kept her from having to face Belén more than once a turn.
“I’m listening. I won’t laugh at you.”
“I’m embarrassed – anyone would be embarrassed by my condition.” Oh God, I can’t do this. ”I’m – I’m – I…”
“Camilla, I want to hold you – you look so upset. What can I say or do to help?”
“This is unfair but – but promise you won’t leave as soon as I tell you. Promise you’ll hear me out.”
“As long as you’re not killing people, I will let you explain as much as you need. Te prometo.”
Camila took a deep breath and crossed herself. Our Father, who watches over us, please don’t let Belén break up with me. I promise I’ll start going to Mass if this goes well.
“The problem I have is that I’m…” Camila’s voice caught in her throat. She swallowed the word incontinent and tried again. “My problem means I have to wear diapers sometimes. Or a lot of the time.”
Belén was looking at Camila with an unreadable expression on her face. In the dim light that filtered in from the walkway, Camila could only guess at Belén’s emotions. Is that curiosity? Disgust? Is she trying to figure out how to get out of her promise?
“I’m so sorry Camilla. You poured your heart out, but I don’t know the word diapers.”
“Pañales. Uso pañales a vez en cuando. Tal vez, los uso mas.” Camila shuddered as she translated her confession. Saying it in two languages made it twice as nerve-wracking.
“Oh.” Belén went quiet. Another round of inscrutable facial expressions from the Spanish girl made Camila want to scream. She clenched her fists until she could feel her nails cutting her palms.
“It doesn’t molest me.” Belén blushed. “Perdón, I mean, it doesn’t bother me. It is unusual, I never dated someone who had that problem before, but only a heartless person would blame you for a medical problem.”
“I’m not worried you’ll blame me – I know you better than that. But not everyone would want to date someone who has a problem like that.”
“You thought I would break up with you, just like that? ¿Me pareces tan fea? Is that why you asked for the promise?”
“Yes.” Camila sniffled, rubbing her eyes aggressively until her tears receded. “I needed you to let me explain – there’s more too.”
“Can I give you a hug?” Belén stepped forward with her arms out. Camila lurched into her girlfriend, hugging her tightly.
“Thank you. I’ll tell you everything tonight, I’m sorry it’s taking so long.”
“We have time, the night is early.” Belén gave Camila an extra squeeze. “Is that why you were so shy about touching on your pants? You had the d… the pañales on those days?”
“Yes. Also our first date – there was water on the roof but…” Camila shuddered and buried her face in Belén’s shoulder. “I also had an accident.”
“An accident? Oh, te mojaste. Lo siento, querida mía.” Belén patted Camila’s back. “I’m so sorry this is something that happens to you.”
“It’s not a…” I bet she doesn’t know “deal breaker”, Camila thought. “It doesn’t make you want to stop dating me?”
“No. It explains some things that were strange, but I understand why you didn’t want to say anything. We will be careful of your problem, and take lots of showers. It is a medical problem for you, but not a problem that comes between us.”
Camila took a shuddering breath. “Thank you. That’s um – the first part. There’s more.”
“You have more than one problem?” Belén leaned back to look Camila in the eye.
“This part isn’t a problem. A-at least, not for me. I hope it won’t be for you. It’s related to my medical problem – and to dating.”
Belén furrowed her brows. “I don’t understand. Maybe it is my English, but what you just said didn’t make sense.”
“I’m sorry, it’s as embarrassing as my medical problem.” Or more embarrassing. Please God, the first part went well. Give me this part too.
“I apologize that you have to be more blunt with me. Take the time you need.”
“There’s a thing I like – a sexual thing. It’s not common, but there are other people that like it too. Partly, I get excited when I’m embarrassed – and my problem is embarrassing…”
Belén furrowed her brows again. If she was having trouble following Camila’s meandering sentences or was processing what she was hearing, Camila couldn’t say. Afraid now that she’d leave Belén with an easily misinterpreted part of the picture, Camila plowed onward.
“Wetting my diapers – is sexy. A thing I like is – is – having a girlfriend change my diapers. It’s even better if – if she wants to pretend that I’m a baby. It’s called being Little – it’s not about sex with children at all!”
Belén’s expression was dire. Panic bubbled up in Camila’s chest, forcing a babble of words out. “It’s not about kids! I’m not attracted to kids! It’s about innocence, and being taken care of, sharing something special with someone. It’s about being teased and changed and – and it’s called ABDL and there’s lots of people. People on the internet do it and we don’t hurt anybody, I swear. Please, Belén, say something. Please.”
Belén disengaged from the hug, watching Camila warily. “I have to translate. I’ll say what I think you said in Spanish, you tell me if I understood.”
“Okay, yes! Good! I’m not sure if my Spanish is good enough to say all that on my own, but I’ll understand you.”
“¿Me dices que además de usar sus pañales, también te caliente usar los? ¿Pero, quieres que yo cambio tus pañales? También te gusta comportase como un bebé, y eso te excita. ¿Sin embargo, estas pidiendo que yo te trato como – una bebé pequeñita, que te limpio cuando te ensucias? ¿Necesitas todo esto en una novia?”
Camila could feel the blood drain from her face as Belén asked her questions. The Spanish girl had the gist of what Camila had said, but had interpreted it as a request for Belén to do everything Camila had blurted out.
“No! I mean – yes, I like all those things, but you don’t have to do them. I’m not asking you to do any of that stuff. It’s just, I thought you should know that about me.” Camila could see Belén distancing herself as she spoke, but she couldn’t find words that would reverse her girlfriend’s falling facial expression. “It’s part of me, and if I get turned on by something I wanted you to know why. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“¿Que coño es eso? How can you say that it’s something you want to do with sex, but you don’t want me to do it? Then why did you tell me? This isn’t like – like you want to put on the fuzzy handcuffs sometimes. This is a – a – fetiche.”
¿Fetiche? Oh, a fetish. Yes but I like regular sex too! Please believe me! “I don’t need it, I like it but I love what we have together. Our first time together, in your dorm – please, Belén, believe me! That night was wonderful. We didn’t need to do any of the things I just told you about for me to have a wonderful night with you.”
“That’s true, we didn’t…” Belén’s jaw dropped. “You didn’t squirt. You peed on me.”
“I – I – I don’t know what I did.”
“How can you not know?”
“I…” A horrible sob burst out of Camila. “I’m so sorry! It was just a little accident!”
“You did it so you could come! You’re going to do that every time, aren’t you?”
“No! It doesn’t have to happen every time, it was an accident, I lost control!”
“I don’t know what to think.” Belén was panting, flushed. “Did you say everything? Did you explain all? ¿Dijiste todo de tu problema y sexualidad que querías decir esta noche?”
“Yes, that’s everything. I know it’s a lot, but – it really doesn’t have to be something you do. I’ll be more careful, no more accidents when we’re having sex!”
“Then I kept my promise. I have to go.” Belén turned to the nearest door on a fast walk.
“Wait! Belén! Are you breaking up with me? Please, oh god, please don’t. I’d miss you so much, I’m sorry if I said things wrong. I didn’t mean to make you go away. Please…”
Belén paused in the stone doorway, her hand on the arch. “I’m not breaking up. I need to think. I can’t – Camila necesito tiempo, para pensar y calmarme. I’ll text you tomorrow. Maybe late. But I will. That’s a promise too.”
“No, don’t go! I – I’ll answer any questions you have. I’ll be quiet when you need to think. Just don’t leave.”
“Hasta mañana.” Belén stepped around the corner.
Camila fell to her knees, sobbing. She knew Belén could hear her crying, but she couldn’t stop. A tiny part of her hoped that the sound would be enough to bring Belén back. It was a manipulative thought, but Camila couldn’t feel bad for having it.
Her hopes for Belén changing her attitude with more time to think were low. Especially without Camila there to explain any misunderstandings that would come from Belén thinking about something as taboo as ABDL on her own.
At least I don’t have to keep my promise to go to Mass. Camila laughed hysterically through her tears. It was a while before she could pick herself up and trudge back to her sorority house. Betty wisely said nothing to the teary eyed girl who stumbled into her room. She wrapped Camila in a blanket and cuddled her all night long.