I can do this. Monserrat said to herself. Lyssa was right. I have to have this conversation with Jenna.
For the third time, Monserrat wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans. Jenna was doing homework, which meant Monchi was stuck pacing. Early on, Jenna had laid down one of their relationship’s more concrete rules. No interrupting Jenna during her homework. She spent a lot of time achieving a ‘flow’ state. A five minute interruption that crashed her out of flow would waste an hour of Jenna’s time.
Monserrat had no problem with that rule, especially because Jenna might be an actual genius. Monserrat leaned against the wall and beamed with pride for her awesome girlfriend. Jenna entered the maths department as a cherubic petite blonde with predictable effects. Perfect test scores and homework went unnoticed by the old curmudgeons that ran the department.
When Jenna published in the Journal of the American Mathematical Society, the script flipped. It was a short paper, but she was an undergraduate publishing in the discipline’s number two journal. Suddenly, cranky old men that had chased her out of their office were begging her to join an independent study under them.
As old anger resurfaced, Monserrat was regretting her choice of reminiscing. She’d been apoplectic, urging Jenna to tell those professors to go to hell. Jenna had been completely unbothered. For her it had been a matter of finding a way to balance the equation, nothing more. Something about math put her in a totally different mental mode.
I wonder if she has any other mental modes. Monserrat asked herself. Images of Jenna in baby clothes came eagerly into her mind’s eye. Shaking her head, she went back to pacing. Discussion first was the right way to go about it. She’d been dating Jenna for barely six months. In all that time, the kinkiest thing they’d done was Jenna allowing Monserrat to hold her down.
Now she was going to ask her girlfriend for one of the nuclear options of kink. They could break up over this. Monserrat had seen Jenna cut people out of her life with the same cold unconcern that she’d used to ignore the sexism in maths.
Hence why I’m pacing like a nervous teenager. Monserrat sighed to herself.
Most people only saw Jenna in her analytic mode. She’d had friends who couldn’t understand why Monserrat would date someone like that. Anyone close to Jenna knew better. She was warm, playful, with a heart as big as the ocean. Cute to the point of being a little cringe sometimes. That’s what Monserrat was risking. All because Lyssa had to play the part of Monchi’s conscience.
That’s not fair. This IS the right thing to do. But I’m still scared.
“Monserrat, what are you doing?” Jenna asked, peeking out of her bedroom. “Are you okay?”
That question on it’s own meant that maths mode was off. Monserrat took a deep breath and smiled at the gorgeous, freckled girl she loved.
“I’m only pacing. I wasn’t sure if you were done studying. There’s something I need to talk to you about and I’m nervous.”
“Oh.” Jenna’s eyes flicked over Monserrat like she was taking random closeups. “Then I guess I’m nervous too. I need to talk to you about something.”
Did someone spill the beans? Monserrat wondered in panic. She looks upset. We aren’t breaking up already, are we?
“Do you want to sit?” Monserrat asked, quickly sitting on the window seat. It was Jenna’s favorite spot in the house. Protruding out of the house in the upstairs hall, the window had a great view of the schools arboretum.
“I’ll stand.” Jenna said. “Can I go first?”
“Yeah, of course hon.” Monserrat could feel her heart pounding. This was bad.
“I can’t do what Tamar is asking. It’s too much for me. Honestly, it’s still a stretch for me that you’re poly. I love you, but if this is something you really need…”
“Wait, hold on.” Monserrat held up her hands. “Tamar? What’s she asking? I don’t know anything about this.”
“You don’t?” Jenna managed a weak smile. “I’m sorry, the way she was talking, I assumed it was something you wanted too.”
“Sweetie, you still need to tell me what that thing is.”
“Sex.” Jenna said. “She wants a threesome with you and me.”
Monserrat’s brows met angrily over her nose. “She talked to you about that, again? Pressured you, it sounds like?”
“I don’t know if it was pressure.” Jenna took a seat next to Monserrat. “She spent a long time making a case for it.”
“That’s not okay!” Nice clean anger wiped away Monserrat’s earlier nerves. “She knows she’s not supposed to bring that up again. We have both talked to her about that, together AND individually.”
“That’s what I thought.” Jenna said, leaning against Monserrat. “I’m glad that’s still the case.”
“That’s it.” Monserrat said, gathering her girlfriend into her lap. “I’m breaking up with Tamar.”
“You don’t have to…”
“Yes I do. She disrespected both of us, on something we were crystal clear about. She was always a fringe member of my circle anyway.”
“I’m glad.” Jenna said quietly.
“Oh, Jenna, bab – um, sweetie. Has this been a problem the whole time?”
“She never stopped flirting with me.”
“You don’t have to put up with that from someone you’ve told no to.” Monserrat said, kissing Jenna’s cheek. “Please tell me these things. I know you don’t totally get polyamory, but you’re my primary. You come first. Even if you didn’t, it’s not okay for somebody to pressure you.”
“I don’t want to be a prude or make things hard for you.” Jenna said, laying her head on Monserrat’s shoulder. “We had so many big talks when we started dating. I want to make this work for you too.”
Not for the first time, Monserrat marveled at the way her petite girlfriend felt cuddled up to her. It was hard to see her as a college senior, or two years older than Monserrat, at times like this. She wondered if ageplay would have eventually come up even if she hadn’t started taking those babysitting jobs.
“I’m flirty with a lot of people. That’s how I am. We’ve talked about it. As far as I know, you’re okay with me being that way.”
“I am. Really Monserrat. I even like it. It reminds me that I’m with a bombshell.”
Monserrat laughed and hugged Jenna tightly. “Flatterer. Anyway, just because I do that doesn’t mean that you have to. Not all poly people are flirty. You don’t have to flirt, and you especially don’t have to be flirted with. If you don’t feel comfortable shutting it down, talk to me.”
“You’ll cause a scene.” Jenna said, kissing Monserrat’s collarbone.
“You’re damn right I will. When it comes to my Jenna, I take no shit.”
“Your Jenna.” Jenna said softly. The bliss in her voice made Monserrat’s heart ache.
“Mine.”
Without warning, Jenna jerked upright. Monserrat managed to escape having her jaw clipped only because of all the bonks her jaw had taken before.
“You need to talk to me. I forgot. Tell me, please.” In a moment Jenna had gone from placidly content to worried, even scared.
My Jenna is such an anxious bear. Monserrat thought fondly. The traitorous part of her mind amended that to anxious Little Girl.
“Right, this is the thing I was nervous about.” Monserrat said, feeling her stomach flop again. “I want to ask for something. Something kinky.”
“I think I could do bondage now.” Jenna said shyly. “If we started slow, like maybe fuzzy handcuffs? I know they’re corny, but that would kind of help.”
“That’s not what’s on my mind.” Monserrat said, swallowing around a lump in her throat.
“Oh. Kinkier?” Jenna asked. “Like – butt stuff? Oh, or feet? I can do feet I think. I just won’t be turned on.”
“Baby, focus.” Monserrat said, smirking. “I can tell you what it is.”
“But you were nervous. I was being cute!” Jenna said, eyes sparkling.
Holy shit, I LOVE her. Monserrat thought, momentarily overwhelmed. She gathered her composure and licked her lips. It helped a lot to have her chest swimming in love for Jenna. No matter what weird thing Monserrat said, they weren’t going to break up over it. Jenna could say no, things would be awkward for an afternoon, and it would be okay.
Is it going to be okay if you can’t have her as your baby girl? Monserrat pushed that thought away.
“It’s – age play. With diapers. The acronym is ABDL.” The words were out! Monserrat couldn’t take them back now. Oh god. She couldn’t take them back!
“That’s a new one.” Jenna said. She looked a little shocked. Stunned even. Much the same way she looked when someone told a gross joke, or she saw a scary movie that was heavy on the gore.
“It’s an ask. If you say no, I’ll table it.”
“This is important to you.” Jenna said. “You’re scared right now, but you still asked.”
“This is the moment you pick to be perceptive?” Monserrat asked ruefully. “It is. I have been feeling things – while I’m on those escort jobs. Not for the girls I’m babysitting. More – in general. I like what I do on those jobs.”
“Oh. That’s where I heard ABDL before. Your job.” Jenna’s eyes were not focusing on anything in the mortal plane. She had heavy processing going on in that head of hers.
“I want to stress, I don’t NEED this.” Monserrat said. “It’s okay to say no.”
Jenna’s gaze snapped into focus, making direct eye contact with Monchi. “Are you being honest? There was a lot of buildup for this. If you need this, you have to say so. It’s one of our foundation stones.”
“I…” Monserrat caught herself breathing fast and shallow. She made herself take a deep breath, in and out. “I need you more than I need this.”
“Wow. This is REALLY important to you.” Jenna said. She looked scared. Monserrat was trying not to panic.
“You’ve never, never asked for something like this before.” Jenna slid off Monserrat’s lap. The loss of contact felt like a hole opening up in Monserrat’s side. “We talked a little about bondage. You laughed that off when I hesitated. You’re scared. You’re worried.”
“I meant what I said. I’d drop this before I lost you. I’d drop the job before it cost me you.”
“That’s not fair. To you.” Jenna gripped her knees nervously. “I don’t understand what you’re asking. It’s a kink, okay, but I don’t know anything about it. I don’t know what I’d have to do. I don’t know what you’d do to me. What you’ve told me so far sounds – scary. Also, being honest, it sounds disgusting.”
There was a vice around Monserrat’s heart. “That’s okay. We don’t have to do it. I’ll drop it.”
“No! I don’t want you to drop it. I want you to explain more.”
Jenna was on the verge of tears. Monserrat would have given anything in that moment to take back the whole conversation. What a disaster this was turning out to be. Jenna was already freaked out over the bare-minimum details Monchi had given her so far. Anything more was going to send the poor girl into hiding.
“I’ll try. It’s a role-playing kink, kind of. There’s power exchange too. So it’s a little bit like D/S stuff in that regard. One partner gives up power to the other and pretends to be younger. Much younger. But we always know that we’re still adults!”
“I don’t care about those details right now.” Jenna said. “Why me? Why not Rachel, or Adie, or even Tamar?”
“Oh.” Monserrat blushed. “Because I don’t love them like I love you. The part I like is taking care of the other person. That’s – that’s the part I need.”
“You do need it.”
“I can find another way to take care of you. I already have some.”
“So it’s not because of all the diapers and the pee and the baby clothes?”
“I mean – I don’t hate those parts. I like them.” Monserrat said. “I realized I had to talk to you when I saw how loving it could be – and wanted to do it with somebody I love. Well actually Lyssa made me talk to you, but I would have eventually.”
“Okay. I like that. I…” Jenna wiped tears away from her eyes. “Monchi, I love you so much. I want to do things that make you happy. I never thought I’d be gay. For a while I thought I was Ace. I can try. For you.”
“I don’t want it to be something you only do for me.” Monserrat said. “That’ll feel awful for both of us.”
“That’s the trying part.” Jenna said. “I’ll try to see what’s good about it. I’ll try to learn this, for you.”
“Jenna.” Monserrat said, her lip quivering, “I need a hug.”
They crushed together, breathing in big, rattling sighs. Monserrat wiped her tears, begrudging the seconds of hug it cost her. Slowly, peace and a steady heartbeat returned.
“Now I need the other details.” Jenna said. “Not the theory though. You explained enough of that. I need practical exercises.”
“Do you want me to tell you about my last job? It was a first-time experience for the girls there.”
“That’s a good start.” Jenna sat back, smiling up at Monserrat.
“After setting the tone that I was in charge, because there were five of them and two of us, the first thing we did was dress the girls up. They’d requested outfits that I picked up for them. All the outfits involved a diaper, but some were a lot more revealing or childish than others.”
“How did they take it?”
“They were very giggly. Nervous and excited and horny.” Monserrat said, laughing. “We gave them a childish snack, played a couple of games. Hide and seek, and duck duck goose.”
“That’s – it?” Jenna asked. “Other than the diaper, it doesn’t sound that weird. Kind of boring, I guess.”
“Well there was more to it. One of them was bratting, so I spanked her before I put her in a diaper. They all had to drink a lot of water, more if they were one of the first ones found hiding. Some of them asked permission to go to the bathroom, two of them wet their diaper and got changed.”
“What did they like about it?” Jenna asked. Her expression was one of general confusion. She was struggling with this.
“They all had different ways of connecting with it.” Monserrat said. “Some of them liked being Little – getting into a childish mindset. It’s supposed to be freeing to dump all your responsibilities on someone else. Some of them liked the taboo aspect of it. For one of the girls, I think she was excited to try something new.”
“You have all the supplies and everything.” Jenna said, in a classic Jenna conversation-fork.
“I do.”
“Is there a super casual option for the dress-up?”
“There’s pullups instead of an actual diaper. Or even no protection at all, if that’s a boundary. Rompers are fashionable but could be seen as childish. Overalls can do the look subtly too. Even plain leggings and a childish shirt is a step.”
“Dress me up.” Jenna said. “I’ll trust you to pick something that will be low on the freak factor, with what we have here.”
“Are you sure?”
“Monserrat, part of why you want this with me is that I’m smaller than you, right? I’m little, I don’t have a big bust, I have a young face. Right?”
“I don’t want an underage girlfriend!”
“I know. I know you don’t.” Jenna said. “I never said this before, because the little bit of bondage stuff we did is still scary. Monchi, I like that you’re big. I like that I’m small, but next to you I look tiny. I like feeling safe and small when you hold me. I think – taking that even further might be fun.”
“Okay.” Monserrat stood up, taking Jenna’s hand.
“You’re not going to carry me?” Jenna asked curiously. “You have before.”
“We’re starting slow, right?”
“Thank you.”
Back in Monserrat’s bedroom, Jenna stood nervously while Monserrat retrieved her diaper bag. She kept craning her neck to try and sneak a peek at the contents. Feeling her babysitter confidence return, Monserrat made sure to block the bag with her body when she approached Jenna.
“I’m going to strip you down first, okay?”
Jenna looked up at Monserrat with wide, nervous eyes. “I like it when you do that.”
“Really? You never told me that before.”
“I’m scared of saying something is fun, but not knowing all the context and implications.” Jenna said. “You’d get all excited to do something hardcore like – like – plastic wrap mummification, and I’d have to disappoint you.”
“Baby girl, how do you even know about mummification, but I had to explain to you why I kept buying you chokers?”
“Our roommates think it’s funny to try and shock me with weird fetish stuff.” Jenna said. “I don’t mind. It helps me not be totally clueless around you.”
“You are so cute.” Monserrat said, unbuttoning Jenna’s blouse. “I think I might have come around to asking for something like this, even if I’d never taken those jobs.”
“Because you want to take care of me?”
“So much.”
Once Jenna was out of her blouse, Monserrat set to work on her girlfriend’s leggings. She always took Jenna’s bra off right after the blouse when they were getting intimate. This time the order was as one would undress a child. As she set the leggings aside and made Jenna lift her feet to get her socks off, Monserrat could see that recognition dawning in Jenna’s eyes.
It was obvious that Jenna was turned on, but that was hardly an endorsement of their new activity. She was always turned on when Monserrat undressed her. Once Jenna had come around to having sex, she’d come around in a big way.
“Arms to your side, Little Girl.” Monserrat said, risking a little more ageplay. Jenna blushed and complied, uncrossing her arms so that Monchi could take off her bra.
“Now your panties, sweetie.” Monserrat said. “I have new ones for you.”
“Do I get to pick? Are there – colors?” Jenna asked. There was a note of panic in her voice. She was likely trying to fight it by taking back a little control.
“Of course, baby girl.” Monserrat said. She set three pairs of pullups on the bed. “This one has a cartoon princess on it. This one is pretty pink, and this one is mostly white with a little design.”
Jenna shied away from the princess pullups immediately. Hesitantly, she put her finger on the pink ones. They were close in shade to a pair of panties in Jenna’s regular rotation.
“Those will look great on you.” Monserrat said. “Lift your foot. These are for big girls, you don’t need to lie down for me to put them on you.”
Though she was trembling, Monserrat would say Jenna was more flushing than blushing. Jenna’s lips parted in a soft sigh when Monserrat tugged the pullup snug on her crotch. There was nothing in Jenna’s precise size in the bag, but a couple of the unused outfit pieces were close enough.
The shorts Monserrat put Jenna in had a drawstring; the white and pink unicorn shirt was only one size too big. The bagginess of the fit made the illusion stronger. Jenna’s messy French bob was spot on too. It was a dream come true, for a dream Monserrat wouldn’t have admitted to herself even days ago. She had to fight twin impulses to either pick Jenna up on her hip, or throw her girlfriend down on the bed.
“Mirror.” Jenna said. She squirmed past Monserrat. Her hand went to her mouth as soon as she saw herself. “I look like a little girl.”
“You look like my Little Girl.” Monserrat said, deliberately pronouncing those capitals.
“I’m sexy like this?”
“Very.” Monserrat kissed the top of Jenna’s ear. “How’s your pullup feel?”
“Embarrassing.” Jenna said. “Weird. Like a pad, but kind of like panties too.”
“How’re you doing with this?”
“I’m turned on. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re in your room and you took my clothes off, or if the new stuff is doing something too. I wish – this is stupid but – I wish you’d carried me.”
“That’s not stupid at all.” Monserrat said. “I carry Little Girls a little differently than I’ve carried you before, though.”
Gently, she scooped Jenna up and set the girl on her hip. Jenna’s eyes went wide. She buried her face in Monserrat’s shoulder. It was hard not to laugh at how universal that gesture was, when Little Girls were picked up for the first time.
“You can carry me on one arm?”
“I can for Little Girls.” Monserrat said. “It’s dual purpose. I can take you where I need you, and I can check if you filled your pullup.”
Monserrat hefted Jenna, squeezing her butt. Jenna squeaked, pushing awkwardly away from Monchi.
“I need down. Please.”
“Of course hon.” Monserrat put Jenna gently on her feet.
“Too much.” Jenna took a couple of rapid breaths. She clasped her hands together in a gesture so cute and Little that it took a mighty effort on Monserrat’s part to not pick her up again.
“Do you need to stop? Change back into your clothes?”
“No I – I think I want to snuggle.” Jenna said. “I’m sorry, you said we’re taking it slow, but this is probably glacier speed.”
“That’s okay. Remember how long it took for you to get okay with going down on me?” Monserrat laughed.
Jenna laughed bashfully. “It was only – two months. I like doing it now!”
As soon as Monserrat took a seat on the bed, Jenna was there too, cuddling close. Monserrat wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and tried not to think about all the sexy, diaper-teasing things she wanted to do.
“Well that’s a good omen for this then.”
“I don’t know. It’s so weird. And it still seems gross.”
“That’s what you said about oral sex, remember?” Monserrat said. “I didn’t realize you’d gotten to liking that. I’m going to ask for it a lot more.”
“Sounds fun.” Jenna giggled.
“Ooh, it’s even fun. What do you like about it?” Monserrat asked, shifting her hug to a firmer hold. “Do you like the noises I make? Being between my strong thighs? Do you like how I smell, how I taste?”
“Monchi!” Jenna squealed. “Stop it! You’re gross!”
“I could use that sexy little tongue of yours right now.” Monserrat said, falling into a laying position and taking Jenna with her. “This game has me all hot and wet.”
“No fair! Just because I said you could hold me down…”
“What about you?” Monserrat asked softly, nose to nose with Jenna. “If I check that pullup, will it be a tiny bit damp? Will it have a wet patch? Do you need MY tongue?”
“Monchi.” Jenna gasped, quivering. The little minx had almost come. Monserrat was suddenly wondering how worked up she’d been during the dress up portion.
“If you want me to get you off, you have to ask for it.” Monserrat said. “Use your words, Little Girl, be specific. Try saying something like, ‘Monchi, please eat my wet pussy, I need your big strong tongue’.”
“Oh my god! What’s gotten into you? I could never say something like that!”
“No? How about, ‘Monserrat, please let me go down on you, I need to taste your soaking snatch’.”
“You are the most horrible, gross, nasty girlfriend ever!” Jenna was panting as she spoke now, her whole body warm and flushed.
“Would the most horrible girlfriend ever do the thing we did last weekend? Where I start kissing you and guide your head where I want it to go?”
“Is that what we’re going to do?” Jenna asked, quivering. “I don’t have to – dirty talk? Or talk at all?”
“If that’s what my precious, beautiful girl wants.” Monserrat said. “But she’d still have to ask for it.”
“Please – show me where to kiss you.” Jenna said in a whisper. “Please Monchi. I love you so much. I – need you.”
“Good girl.” Monserrat said, pulling Jenna into a long, slow kiss.