((Content Warning: Depiction of severe depression))
Two major tests and a lab report completely wiped Melody’s week out. On Rosa’s side, dodging the worst of Black Friday meant she had to pull doubles, right through the weekend. A week without Rosa time felt more like a year. There was nothing to fear though. Melody’s social penguin was about to flip from blue to red.
First, some TLC for their girlfriend. Melody had a reservation for a Board Game Restaurant and a home-spa kit for Rosa’s recovery. After that, they should be able to have some amazing ABDL time together. It was a bit of a lull at school before finals hit. Melody’s planning was worthy of Veronica.
Pausing in the entryway of the computer science building, Melody let themself think about Veronica. They owed her a month of rent. She hadn’t said anything, but Melody had as good as dropped out of Veronica’s program. Melody hadn’t had a session or done anything with Veronica diaper-wise in a couple of weeks.
It was okay though, because the program worked. Everything was great, especially with Rosa. Melody had the money, and their loans were paid off. They could pay Veronica for December before the fifth and give her a big thank you. A hug too, if she wasn’t mad.
“There you are!” A sharp voice cut into Melody’s daydreams. Beatrix, coming in hot on Melody’s three o’clock.
“Oh uh, hey Bea. Look it’s been crazy busy and…”
“Yeah, I know.” Beatrix said, looking a little wild-eyed. “I am so choked up that I’m about to blow. Come with me, I need some sugar.”
“Hey, I have to get to class.” Melody said.
They almost pulled out of Beatrix’s grasp. Something in their heart stopped them. It was Beatrix. Unstoppably hot Beatrix. The girl they’d followed to this grad school after undergrad at Brooklyn College. Could Melody say no to her? Could anyone?
Beatrix didn’t seem to notice Melody’s conflict. She was pulling hard enough on Melody’s coat that she would have expected resistance regardless. Stumbling up to an unfamiliar door, Melody watched in surprise as Beatrix produced a key and unlocked it.
Why did Bea have a key to the CS building? Melody asked themself.
The room inside was bare except for a ladder and some tarps in the corner. Melody caught a flash of what looked like a construction logo on the key’s chain before Bea stuffed it back in her pocket.
“Alone at last. Shit Mel, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were avoiding me.” Beatrix wasn’t wasting any time. She had her coat off and her bag tossed aside already.
“I wouldn’t do that.” Melody said cautiously. They had been avoiding her of course. It had been easy up until now with all the tests and holidays.
“Oh, I know. You’re mine. The best, most obedient and fuckable toy I’ve ever had.” Beatrix grinned, shucking off her sweater. There was no blouse underneath, just a red lace bra holding her perfect breasts.
The spiderweb pattern in the red lace made Melody double-take. Bea had bragged about that lingerie set once. It was her lucky set. The one she only broke out for boys that mattered.
“Bea are you sure we should do this here?” Melody asked, desperate for a way out. Not that they could tear their eyes off that glorious chest.
“All the construction is in Hunter Hall right now, nobody’s coming in here. Don’t you pay ATTENTION?” Beatrix flicked a finger off Melody’s temple.
“I know my girls are amazing.” Beatrix continued, hefting her breasts. “But you don’t get to stand there drooling. Get your coat off and show me that body.”
“I uh – it’s just that…” Melody stammered. They were about to cheat on Rosa. No, they couldn’t do that. There had to be a way out that didn’t involve Beatrix posting her blackmail.
“I forget how shy and nervous you are. I’ll warm you up.” Beatrix closed on Melody and pinned them to the wall. Her mouth was all over Melody’s lips, cheeks, and throat.
Unable to stop themself, Melody stroked the silken skin of Beatrix’s back. They moaned softly into the kiss. It was incredible to feeling real passion from Beatrix..
Beatrix squirmed and pressed up against them with genuine desire. Her breath was hot and ragged on Melody’s ear. An insane flash of insight lit Melody’s brain up to Galaxy Brain status. Beatrix was hot for them. For Melody. Beatrix wanted THEM.
Melody could have Beatrix as a girlfriend.
Something literally impossible had happened. A whole new path opened up for Melody. No more diapers and weirdness, just a regular lesbian relationship. Well, a lesbian dom/sub relationship anyway. If it lasted, Melody’s tech skills with Bea’s ability to monetize things would be insane.
They could become a hot power couple with a billion expensive cats. On Mars.
But it wasn’t right! Rosa didn’t deserve to get hurt. They had something with Rosa that they’d never expected, might never get again. Something that Melody knew she needed, deep in their heart.
There had to be a way to get some space, to figure thing out. Melody needed to think. The only thing running their head now was the monkey brain.
“You’re holding back.” Beatrix said. She had Melody’s coat open and her hands on their chest. “Don’t be like that. Give me that lezzie love. I’m going to fuck you so good, someone will call campus security when you scream.”
Melody’s thoughts did a record scratch. Hearing Beatrix beg to fuck them was brain-meltingly hot. Until that last bit, which was more like a threat. The weirdness of it gave Melody enough control to push open some space between themself and Bea.
“Hey, Bea.” Melody said, panting. “I’ve wanted you for so long. It’s so amazing now that you want me too, that you’re so hot for me. But we have to talk about…”
Beatrix froze. “Did you just pump the breaks?”
“I need to think.” Melody said. “Seeing you beg is so hot it’s messing me up. But I can’t just…”
“You think I was begging?” Beatrix’s eyes dilated until their color was gone.
“Well you were kinda…” Melody said.
“You fucking bitch!” Beatrix screamed. “Is that what you think? You think I’m – some fucking simp? That I’m whipped? BY YOU?”
Melody held up their hands in shock, trying to find the words to shut off the torrent of rage that Beatrix was vomiting at her.
“YOU’RE THE ONE THAT’S WHIPPED!” Beatrix brought her hand across Melody’s face with a resounding crack. “BY ME!”
Fury and terror warred on Beatrix’s face in an ugly combination. She was trembling all over. Melody was trembling too. They touched their cheek, and their fingers came away damp and red.
“You RUINED this for me.” Beatrix raged. “I just needed some goddamn stress relief and you had to fuck it up, like you always do. So now neither one of us gets anything!” Beatrix snatched up her coat, sweater, and bag.
“You’re unbelievable. Ungrateful. Stupid. Bitch!” Beatrix was trembling more than ever. It was hard to tell from the intensity of her emotion, but she looked more afraid now than angry. “I’ll text you later and you’d better be ready to make up for this. FUCK!”
On that last scream, Beatrix stormed out of the room. She hadn’t bothered to put her clothes back on. The door slammed behind her, hard enough to make Melody wince.
Melody stumbled out of the room a while later. Their class was halfway done. Not that it mattered. They weren’t going to be able to understand a single thing a professor said. Rosa had a class that got out around this time. She might still be on campus.
The magic of text messages brought them together on an icy circle of brick, at the base of a hill that sported the University’s ugliest statue. It looked like a rusty snowflake sneezing a lightning-bolt. It was especially bad next to Melody’s beautiful girlfriend, beaming when she caught sight of them.
“Melody! Baby, what happened to your face?” Rosa asked, shifting from delight to concern.
“It’s uh…” Melody swallowed hard, trying to figure out how they could explain.
“Let me see.” Rosa took Melody’s face and peered at the thin cuts that Beatrix’s fingernails had laid across Melody’s cheek.
“I um – the thing is Rosa…” Melody floundered.
“Wait, is this lipstick all over you?” Rosa frowned. “Mel, what’s going on?”
“Beatrix – ambushed me. Kind of.” Melody said. There was a yawning pit growing in their stomach as Rosa’s face grew more concerned. “I, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to – it wasn’t supposed to go that way.”
“She assaulted you again?” Rosa asked in horror. “She was all over you and she hit you?”
“It was…” Melody swallowed back a wave of nausea.
That’s not what happened. It wasn’t assault. It couldn’t be assault.
“No, not assault. I, I just didn’t stop it in time. I’m sorry, I won’t let it happen again.”
“Melody, baby.” Rosa gently took Melody in her arms, patting their back. “You have a bruise and three cuts on your face. You are trembling and you can hardly talk to me. We have to do something about this.”
“I can’t.” Melody said, their gut roiling. “I can’t. You don’t understand.”
“I understand that this has gone way too far. We have to get help to deal with this. We should talk to campus security, or the cops.”
“No, I can’t.” Melody said, shaking themself free of Rosa’s grasp.
“Why not?” Rosa asked. Her cheeks were streaked with tears.
“Don’t cry. It’s okay. It’ll be okay. She’ll give up. I just have to wait until she gives up.” Melody couldn’t make themself believe it anymore. They couldn’t blame Rosa for the disbelief in her eyes.
“That is bullshit. Melody, honey, I want to help you. This is crazy.” Rosa took Melody’s hand gently. “Please let me help.”
“She has pictures.” Melody said. “P-porn. Of me. I can’t. If she puts those on the internet, Rosa, it’ll be there forever.”
“Shit.” Rosa squeezed Melody’s hand. “There has to be a way to deal with it! New Hampshire has a revenge porn law. We can shut her down!”
“No, it’ll still be on there. I can’t – I can’t stand up to her.”
“You can’t live like this. You have to make her stop!”
“I can’t do that!”
“WHY?” Rosa sobbed.
“BECAUSE I WANT IT!” Melody screamed.
A terrible silence descended around them. Rosa’s eyes were wide, hurt. Melody felt hollow inside. They both fell back a few steps. It felt like a chasm opening between them.
“What?” Rosa asked, her tone shocked and disbelieving.
“I’ve known her since undergrad.” Melody said. They knew they shouldn’t explain anything about Beatrix, but the words spilled out against their will. “I followed her to ABDU. She never, she never looked at me, but now – something happened. I can’t – I can’t make her stop.”
“Are you and her – together?” Rosa asked. The pain in her voice shattered Melody’s heart.
“No – I don’t think so. Rosa, I – what you and I have is amazing. I don’t understand why I can’t stop Beatrix. But I can’t.” Melody took a deep breath.
“I tried today, but it didn’t work. She was so mad! It was my fault. I shouldn’t have made her mad.” Melody looked at Rosa with pleading eyes.
Unfortunately, Rosa looked more upset than ever. There had to be something they could say. A dialogue option must exist, to stop this conversation from leading to a bad end.
“Melody.” Rosa took a shuddering breath. “I don’t understand what’s happening here. But it’s not your fault. You have to stop her. If you want to be with me, you have to stop what’s happening with Beatrix.”
“I can’t! She won’t let me.” Melody sobbed.
“It’s not her choice, it’s yours!” Rosa’s voice was getting colder. “You have to do something. Stay away from her at least. It might have – some consequences. But this is hurting you. It’s hurting us. It has to stop.”
“That’s easy for you to say! You’re not the one being exposed to the entire world.”
“I know it’s not easy!” Rosa cried, her voice cracking.
“Mel, she’s already hitting you. Are pictures going to matter if she kills you? You have to stop this!”
“I can’t.” Melody fell to their knees. “I can’t.”
“Then I can’t do this either.” Rosa said, putting a hand to her mouth. “Melody, I – this can’t be happening.”
“Rosa, please.” Melody said.
“Please what? Share my joyfriend, my Little One, with a psychopath? With someone who cuts your face? Watch you get hurt over and over again?” Rosa took several steps back.
“It’s almost over. I just need…”
“No, Melody. No.” Rosa shook her head. “Something is almost over, but it’s not the thing that Beatrix is doing to you. I have to go. I need space from this.”
“Rosa!” Melody begged.
“I can’t watch you do this to yourself, or to us.” Rosa wrapped her arms around herself. “Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t come see me unless – unless you’re done with Beatrix.”
Melody watched in horror as Rosa walked away. They were beyond tears. They didn’t feel anything at all, not even the cold. Something had snapped. A bright and beautiful thing was lying in sharp shards at the base of Melody’s heart.
The rest of the day was nothing. There was nothing. A gray campus and a gray town. A gray bank and gray streets driving home. Melody walked into their gray house and their gray room. Their roommates said hello to them, and Melody said hello back.
Though they gave Melody odd looks, their roommates didn’t bother them. They told Melody that Veronica wasn’t home. That was fine, if a little inconvenient. Melody put the rent money on Veronica’s table in the front room of her suite.
By then, an oven pizza was done. It didn’t have any taste, which was fine. A single slice made the annoying hungry feeling go away. The world was calm and gray again. With no more plans for the evening, Melody could play as many video games as they wanted.
They didn’t want to play any of them.
With nothing to do, Melody went to bed. It was barely after five pm, but what did it matter? Nothing mattered. They took everything off, including their diaper. The sheets were soft. Their room was quiet. The blanket was heavy. It was the first good feeling since…
Melody stopped thinking.
Much later, they slept.
—–
Melody woke to a harsh sound. Someone was knocking on their door. Whoever it was kept calling their name. The sheets were still soft. The blanket was still heavy. Melody stopped listening and the sounds faded. Eventually they stopped.
For a long time, Melody stared into the darkness.
Then they slept.
——
They woke to knocking again. It sounded frantic. The blanket was still heavy. The sheets weren’t soft anymore. They were wet, and itchy. It didn’t matter. Melody stared past the walls, into nothing. The knocking would fade again….
Instead, the door burst open. Briana was there. She was crying.
No, Melody thought. Not this. Not Briana. Please, Bri, go away.
She didn’t. She kneeled by the bed in her ridiculous purple-people-eater pajamas and shook Melody’s shoulders. She was still crying. It was starting to hurt. Everything was starting to hurt. There was bright light from the doorway and sounds were roaring loud around Melody.
A terrible sharp pain sliced down through Melody’s chest. Every moment that they stared at Briana it went deeper. They were sobbing, shaking, and crying. They couldn’t stop. The tears blurred Briana out of their vision, but they couldn’t stop her voice. Nothing could stop Melody from feeling Briana’s arms around them.
Nothing could stop Melody from feeling.
They screamed. The pain in their chest pierced into a terrible heartbreak and sent it howling out of Melody’s throat. They were shattered, all because their stupid sister couldn’t stop caring about them. Couldn’t leave them alone.
Melody clung to Briana like their life depended on it.
Two more sets of arms joined the hug. Someone had closed the door. Veronica and Jane were hugging Melody now. They were talking as well. Melody hoped the words weren’t for them. Their brain wouldn’t process whatever was being said.
Eventually Jane took Briana out of the room. Veronica stayed, sitting next to the bed. Melody closed their eyes. They let what felt like a long-time pass. When they opened their eyes, the sun had moved. Veronica was still there.
“Veronica?” Melody asked. What they were asking, they didn’t know.
“Melody.” Veronica smiled gently and touched them on the shoulder. “Do you remember that I said I wouldn’t let you fall?”
“Yes.” Melody said.
“It’s still true. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
“No.” Melody said.
Veronica nodded. “Then we will deal with your heart later. Right now, I know what’s wrong with other parts of you.”
“What’s that?” Melody asked.
“You need food and water. You need to get up and move a little. You also need a diaper.”
“No diapers.” Melody said.
“Melody.” Veronica said gently. “You wet the bed.”
Melody considered. The bed did feel wet. That was a good enough reason, they supposed.
“Okay.” Melody said. “Because the bed is wet.”
“Yes, because of that.” Veronica said, stroking Melody’s head. “Sit up. I’m going to take care of you.”
“Okay.” Melody sat up.
Everything that Veronica asked Melody to do, they did. They helped her strip them bare and walked to the bathroom in a fuzzy robe. Melody returned to their room after a hot shower to find the bed cleaned, with new sheets and blankets.
There was soup on Melody’s desk. There was also a Briana and a Jane on their bed. Veronica put Melody on the bed and the four of them ate. Or at least the other three ate. Melody sat quietly, listening to them talk.
“Open up.” Veronica said, holding Melody’s spoon to their mouth.
“Don’t want it.” Melody mumbled.
“Do the airplane!” Briana said enthusiastically.
Melody was surprised to feel a tiny smile on their lips. Veronica seemed surprised too.
“Here comes the airplane.” Veronica said gently, swerving the spoon toward Melody’s mouth.
It was so ridiculous. How could Melody not smile at least a little?
It took a lot of airplane passes and one Top Gun reference from Briana, but Melody opened up for the spoon. The soup was really good. Something hearty and tomato-y. The airplane didn’t need to make as many passes to deliver the next spoon. Even less for the one after that. Melody was suddenly really hungry.
When the soup was gone, it was perfectly natural to snuggle up to Briana on the bed. Melody didn’t mind that their robe had fallen off. Everyone in the room had changed their diaper before. Besides, Briana was making silly noises. Every third or fourth one was so ridiculous that Melody was forced to giggle.
“Is this, okay?” Veronica asked Jane.
Melody was a little confused. Shouldn’t Jane be asking Veronica? It was Veronica that was the psychologist. Anyway, Melody was feeling a lot better. The answer was yes, they thought. Right now was okay.
“It’s more than okay, it’s the right thing to do.” Jane said.
That was a weird way to say yes. Melody’s confusion deepened.
“Melody.” Veronica said. “Would you like to play upstairs with your sister today? I know you don’t have class today.”
“That sounds fun.” Melody said. They were still sad, but Briana would be nice for that.
“I think you need a babysitter right now, and Briana can’t do it. Someone else would need to watch out for you.” Veronica said. “What do you think about that?”
Melody considered. It was a weird thing to say, but less weird because Briana was involved. It sounded safe. It was a little piece of the precious thing they’d lost.
“Okay, maybe that’s right.” Melody said. “Tamira kind of baby sat me once, and it was – nice.”
“I don’t think she’s available, but I’ll check.” Veronica said. “It’d be mostly me and Jane. What do you feel about other roommates babysitting you?”
“Suzie doesn’t like to change diapers.” Melody said quickly. “And Erin is too tired.”
“That’s your main concern?” Veronica asked curiously.
“For babysitting?” Melody asked. “Yeah, I think so.”
“What if Gary were to babysit you?” Jane asked. “Even though he’s a man.”
Melody shrugged. “He’s Briana’s boyfriend and he’s nice. That would be okay.”
“Then that’s what I needed to know.” Veronica said. “I’m going to put you kids in the playpen. Can you play nicely together while I make a couple of arrangements? I’ll be up in about an hour.”
“Yes Mommy.” Briana said. She looked really excited. It was starting to rub off on Melody a little.
“Okay.” Melody nodded. “But I need something from my closet.”
At Veronica’s nod of permission, Melody got off the bed and crawled to the closet. There was a murmur of surprise from the bed. Briana must have done something cute. Melody was sorry they’d missed it.
With their objective rescued from a box in the back of the closet, Melody waddled back to the group on their knees.
“This is Totoro-san.” Melody said. It was important to introduce him. He was missing an eye and half the wave lines on his belly. The trademark umbrella had gone long ago. He was soft though and filled with more than a decade of love.
“Totoro-san!” Briana exclaimed. “Oh my gosh, you have to meet everybody in Cloudland!”
“Then we’d better get you upstairs soon.” Jane said. “You can step out if you want Ronnie. I’ll get Melody dressed and the kids upstairs.”
Veronica kissed Jane on the lips. She had kisses for Melody and Briana’s foreheads too.
For clothes, Jane didn’t go to the dresser or the closet. She opened a box that Veronica had given Melody after the makeover. At the time, Veronica had mysteriously said it was for later.
Whatever else it contained, Jane found a one-piece pajama set in dark blue. It covered Melody from feet to the hood over her head. Best of all, it had orange triangular spines sewn down the hood and back.
Melody felt good enough in the pajama to say hello to a surprised Suzie on the way to Briana’s room. Cuddled up to their sister in the playpen, the two of them were wrapped around their primary stuffies.
“Melody?” Briana said. There was a big question waiting behind that one word.
“Bri don’t.” Melody swallowed nervously. “I can’t talk about…”
“No, not that.” Briana said quickly. “Different question.”
“Oh okay.” Melody nodded. “What is it?”
“Are we little together, right now?”
Melody considered. “I think so. It feels weird. Because I’m sad. And because Rosa…”
Melody bit their lip too late. Their cheeks were wet again. Briana nuzzled the tears away, holding Melody tightly.
“I’m sorry you’re sad, but it’s okay that you are.” Briana held Melody as tightly as she could.
“Something bad happened with Rosa.” Briana said, quickly adding. “You don’t have to say what!”
Briana bumped her head against Melody’s. “I’m here. I love you.”
“I love you too.” Melody said. They still felt like crying, in a different way now.
“Do you know how to go away?” Briana asked. “To be really little?”
Melody shook their head. Reconsidering, they said. “I’m not sure. I think maybe, one time I got there.”
“Do you want to try with me?” Briana asked.
Melody nodded. “Yes please.”
Briana grinned. “If we do it right, you’ll get to see Cloudland.”
“What if we don’t imagine the same Cloudland?” Melody asked.
“Silly sibling!” Briana said. “We just add them together.”
“Oh, cool.” Melody smiled tentatively.
“Why did you say that Suzie doesn’t like to change diapers?” Briana asked, randomly.
“Uh, I probably shouldn’t say.” Melody said, then shrugged. “She was asking if you were using your diapers for um, poop, when we were all doing the babysitting in turns. She didn’t want to deal with that.”
“She’s fun sometimes. I know she loves me.” Briana said. “But she’s a jerk sometimes too.”
“Yeah.” Melody nodded. “She was teasing me about being Veronica’s kid in front of Gary.”
“Oh, but you’re still figuring that out!” Briana said. “Well I hope that Veronica runs out of babysitters and has to use her. And when that happens, we’re both so far into being little that we BOTH poop!”
Melody giggled. The giggles broke into a full-on guffaw. The laughter was a little hysterical, but it felt good. Melody was wheezing a little when the chuckles subsided.
“That… is a really complicated and inconvenient way to get revenge.”
“Stuff gets strange up here sometimes, when you’re little.” Briana said, with a smirk.
“Yeah? Do you ever get scared?” Melody asked. Strange sounded scary.
“Sometimes.” Briana said. “Sometimes my imagination is scary, or I get caught between big and little, and it hurts.”
“I’ll take care of you.” Melody said, squeezing Briana tightly.
“Really?” Briana asked. “But you’re sad, you aren’t used to being little, and…”
“Bri.” Melody said. “You’re my little sister, remember?”
“I’ll never forget.” Briana said, tucking her head onto Melody’s shoulder.
“Big siblings take care of the little ones.” Melody said, as sincerely as they’d ever said anything.
Briana sighed happily. Melody was quiet for a bit, enjoying the moment.
“Okay, how do I go little?” Melody asked.
“How did you do it before?” Briana asked.
“I had Rosa.” Melody said. It hurt, but not as much as they expected. Briana hugs were a powerful anti-sad.
“Right, there are other ways.” Briana said quickly. “Let’s play with our stuffies. It’s going to take a while to introduce Totoro-san to everyone in Cloudland. I bet you’ll be little by the time we finish.”
“I bet he’d like to meet everybody.” Melody said, standing Totoro up.
“Well obviously he has to meet Alanna first.” Briana said. “He’s a very important guest.”
When Veronica came up to babysit, Melody was glad that she didn’t interrupt them. Arnold the Pangolin was in the middle of a speech and if she’d interrupted, they’d have to say Arnold the Pangolin like a hundred more times.
Luckily, Totoro was a lot more patient that Melody was. They let him handle Arnold the Pangolin. Melody sat on their cloud-stool and sipped their cloud-wine. Mel was a little drunk off of it, but no one had noticed yet. They smiled a sneaky smile.