The discordant blare of the techno-remix of Strawberry Panic’s opening song could only mean one thing, it was time for Melody to wake up. She grunted and fumbled at her nightstand, tossing her phone at her laundry pile. Instead of landing in a pile of sound-dampening clothes, the phone clattered across the floor. The polished hardwood amplified the song’s annoying bridge and forced Melody out of bed.
Staring sadly at her bed, Melody tucked her phone into the waistband of her boxers. She’d been dumb enough to accept help from Veronica and here she was, in a perfectly clean room like some kind of preppie chick.
That was really bitchy. Melody thought. I must be tired.
It had taken a lot to catch up on her classwork and what freelance jobs she could salvage. Going dark on everyone she knew to grind homework had honestly felt good though. No people meant no complications.
Melody chugged the dregs of her Monster from last night and reluctantly faced her bedroom door. An envelope taped to the inside of her door signaled an end to the quiet. Opening it revealed an actual handwritten letter in Veronica’s pristine script.
Melody, please come find me this morning when you get up. We need to have a short conversation about the treatment we discussed.
Melody chuckled. “I’m in danger.” She wasn’t sure what it was about Veronica’s offer that scared her so much. Six months of free rent would be amazing, and all she’d have to do is wear a couple of diapers. No, there’s no way that was all there was to it. Veronica kept calling it therapy. She was going to want to talk, and make Melody do stuff. Or not do stuff. Probably make her stay away from Beatrix.
Beatrix. Melody shivered at the name. She could still remember the first time she’d met Bea in person. Her heart had thudded painfully, like her ribs were crushing it. It was thudding in her chest now with the memories of Bea’s soft lips on hers, her hands on Bea’s perfect breasts.
“Fuuuuuuuck.” Melody sighed. “I am the simpiest simp that ever simped.” She threw on some sweatpants and a hoodie. “Okay Veronica, we can talk, but I have demands.”
Willy Wonka mocked Melody in her thoughts. Oh, you’re a badass now? Tell me again how you’re going upstairs to be diapered by your landlord like a little kid.
“Come in, Melody.”
Melody stared at the door she’d just knocked on. Did Veronica have cameras up? Was she an actual witch? That second option might be cool if Melody could get some powers out of it too. Unfortunately, Briana was probably the protagonist.
I’m the weirdo nose-bleeding friend who keeps trying to look at her panties. Melody thought as she entered Veronica’s room.
Expecting to find herself in a bedroom, Melody blinked in surprise at the small living room. Veronica had a whole suite, with an office, a bedroom, and her own bathroom as well. She was sitting in a black velvet armchair like the Queen of All Goths. Fuck it, maybe she was. Melody couldn’t argue against it.
“Hey uh, I got your note.”
“I thought so.” Veronica said, a smile on her black painted lips. “Please sit.”
How did she have time for her makeup to always be on point? The wings on Veronica’s eyeliner could cut glass. Melody took a seat on the black leather armchair, feeling like she should be in the trash can instead.
“Rent is due today, so this is a good time to make a decision one way or another on the therapy I suggested. You’ve had a few days to think about it, have you made a choice?”
“I don’t know uh…” Melody sighed. “I guess it just feels really weird. Can we talk a little more about it?”
“Of course, feel free to ask me anything. I don’t want you to agree to something that makes you unhappy or feels violating.”
“So uh, why diapers?”
“In general, the therapy focuses on removing some control from the participant and replacing that control with a strong support network. Diapers intersect with one of the most basic types of control a person has. In Briana’s case, she had incontinence issues, so the diapers were practical as well. In your case, you seem to have some complicated associations with diapers. Having rules around when you do and don’t wear them would help you unravel those.”
“I don’t…” Melody shook her head. “Okay, maybe I do have weird stuff going on with diapers, but I can just stop wearing them. It was dumb how it all got started anyway.”
“Is that something you want to do?” Veronica asked.
“What? Why would I want to wear diapers?”
“I can’t answer that. Why would you want to wear them?”
“I don’t… I’m not…” Melody fidgeted, curling up in the chair. “It’s not like I… this is stupid.”
“Did Beatrix ask you to wear them?”
“Yes.” Melody looked down at her lap.
“Your sexual relationship with her is very recent I think. Did it start with diaper-play?”
Melody’s face felt unbearably hot. She mumbled down at her legs. “Bea doesn’t like girls, but she likes humiliating people. It gets her off.”
“Do you like being humiliated?”
“It was really hot.” Melody whispered.
“But something was wrong. Beatrix hurt you, didn’t she?”
“Y-yes.” Hot tears were dripping onto Melody’s sweatpants. How was she already a stupid crying mess? Her chest was tight, like there was a belt cinched around it.
“There’s nothing necessarily wrong with someone wanting to be embarrassed and someone else doing it for them.” Veronica said softly. “But just like with games that involve potential physical harm like impact play or restraints, there have to be safety measures in place.”
Melody laughed bitterly. “Yeah we didn’t have any of that. She just uh, went for it.”
“So at least one thing that diapers mean to you is access to someone you want to be intimate with. But they also represent a way that person hurt you.”
“I guess.” Melody said, wincing at Veronica’s ruthless accuracy.
“Is that all? You’ve played a lot with Briana, do you have some associations there?”
“I’m not trying to date her.” Melody said, looking up quickly. “I mean, she’s super hot but uh… fuck, forget I said that. For real Veronica, I’m not trying to… you know.”
“I wouldn’t be upset if you were, as long as you were kind about it and respected Briana’s boundaries.” Veronica said, unruffled. “As far as I know you haven’t done more than flirt with Briana. That doesn’t mean you don’t have some other associations with diapers related to her.”
“I don’t think so.” Melody said, her traitorous mind pulling up a bunch of images of Briana being childlike and happy in diapers.
“That’s fine, I’m just trying to get a sense of how you feel. Do you have any other questions?”
“I don’t want to wear pink!” Melody blurted out, surprising herself as much as Veronica.
“That’s not a question, but I can answer it anyway by saying that there’s no reason you would have to.”
“You dress Briana up in baby stuff and it’s always pink and frilly and I just can’t do that, I can’t.” The words spilled out like her mouth was on autopilot.
“That’s reasonable.” Veronica said, unruffled. “It sounds like the color and ‘girlyness’ of the clothes are the biggest problem for you. Or does children’s clothing bother you in general?”
“Um…” Melody had to consider that one. Pink was a no, lace was an even bigger no. Skirts were dumb, and tutus could go straight into a fire. Overalls though… that was probably fine. She already wore shirts with anime characters and stuff on them, so a kid’s shirt should be fine if there was something cool on there, like space or weird monsters.
“I guess kid’s clothes are okay?” Melody said, wondering why she was admitting it.
“So if you were asked to wear clothing that is coded for young boys, you would feel comfortable?”
The thought of being dressed up by Veronica was just, weird, especially because it didn’t feel bad. “Uh, yeah, that’d be um, fine?”
“If you don’t have another pressing question, may I tell you what I’ve observed about you?”
“Go ahead.”
“I think you are someone who draws her self worth from her work. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, I think you actively reject the idea that any support can come from people in your life, which is less healthy. I think you are lonely, and not happy about it, but unsure how to make that aspect of your life change. Because you feel powerless socially, you neglect self-care. It’s also the reason you were unable to push back against Beatrix, even though she was violating your boundaries.”
“Wow.” Melody squirmed in her chair. “That’s a lot.”
“We’ve been roommates for a few months now. You’ve shared some things with me, and I do like to observe people. I don’t claim to know everything about you though. Is there something in my observations that you feel is wrong?”
“No.” Melody blew hair out of her face. “You’re bang-on with that stuff.”
“Would you like me to help you?” Veronica asked, folding her hands in her lap. “As I said before, there are alternatives. I do think you should get help from somewhere, but it doesn’t have to be me.”
Melody looked away, eyes wandering over Veronica’s bookshelves without focusing on any of the books. “Yeah uh, okay. Let’s um, let’s do the thing.”
“That was a big decision. How do you feel?”
“Kinda relieved. Scared. Uh, embarrassed.”
“Melody, would you like a hug?”
“Yes.” Melody said, her voice cracking.
Veronica patted her lap. Melody stared for a few moments. When she got up from the chair, it was with an awkward shuffle. She came to a stop next to Veronica, twisting her hands together behind her back.
Slowly and gently, Veronica drew Melody down on to her lap. She tucked Melody’s head against her shoulder with a practiced motion and closed her arms around the girl.
Oh fuck. Melody thought, as the first sob rose up in her chest. There was no chance to suppress it. She ugly-cried into Veronica’s shoulder like a stupid baby while Veronica stroked her hair and made soothing noises.
“Melody,” Veronica asked softly, “would you like a haircut?”
“What?” Melody sniffed and looked up at Veronica in confusion.
“You never take care of your hair, and I’m wondering if that’s because you don’t like how it looks.”
“I uh…” Melody wiped her nose with her sleeve. “I guess I could get it cut.”
“I’m offering to cut it for you.” Veronica said.
“You know how to cut hair?”
“I’m not a professional, but I think I can do a cut that you’ll like.” Veronica grinned. “How do you feel about an undercut on one side, and the rest a lot shorter?”
Excitement bubbled up in Melody’s chest, catching her off guard. “That could be cool…”
“Maybe some color too. Do you need blue hair? Anime-blue?”
Melody giggled despite herself. “Yeah. Um, yes please.”
“I think we can do that. Jane is out at the store, I’m going to text her and ask her to pick up some clothes that will go with the treatment, but that you should like.”
“Ugh, I don’t want to do some girly makeover thing.”
“It doesn’t have to be girly. In fact, if I ask Jane to buy you something butch, I promise you it will be very butch.”
“So a haircut, and new clothes, and… diapers?”
“Actually I was going to put you in a pullup today. My plan is to save the diapers for when you’re taking a mental break from your stressors.”
“Do I have to uh, use it?”
“Only if you want to, which will be a signal that you need that part of the treatment to be more intensive. Otherwise it’s just there as a reminder that you have exchanged some control for support.”
The loss of control was pretty intense. The first time Veronica had taken care of Melody, she’d been so exhausted that didn’t process what was happening. This time she was fully present as Veronica lead her by hand to the bathroom and stripped her out of her clothes.
One thing that was familiar is that nothing felt sexy, but everything was still intimate. Veronica ran a bath and scrubbed Melody down with very mom-like determination, even cleaning her ears. After the bath, Melody sat on a stool in one of Veronica’s old nightgowns, watching her hair disappear under clippers and scissors.
Nervousness gave way to excitement as she watched her shapeless short hair transform into a side-swept undercut. It transformed her face into something new and somehow way more familiar than anything she’d seen in the mirror before.
By the time Melody’s hair was soaking in dye under a plastic cap, Jane was back. To Melody’s relief, Jane made herself scarce after delivering the clothes. She didn’t need the entire house to know what she looked like naked.
The pullup that Veronica tugged up Melody’s legs was very childish, with its planets and stars, but there wasn’t a dot of pink on it. A sports bra with a definite training-bra look to it made Melody shiver. It was a deliberate step toward childhood, as was the blue and white striped shirt that went on over it. By the time Veronica put her in a pair of overalls, they felt inevitable.
“Alright, let’s get your teeth brushed and check your hair.” Veronica said.
Melody wordlessly obeyed, her eyes avoiding the mirror. She wasn’t sure she wanted to see what Veronica had created. The final step of toweling her hair dry and combing it out felt amazing. Melody closed her eyes and let the caring attention soak into her.
“Open your eyes Melody.” Veronica said, taking Melody’s shoulders and turning her to face the mirror.
Reluctantly, Melody looked, and gasped. The person in the mirror was not a stranger at all. It was herself, Melody, feeling more Melody than she had ever felt. Her hair glittered an absurd shade of blue and it was short-short! It had actual style to it too, framing her face in a totally different way than ‘standard female haircut’ had done.
Even the clothes felt good, though the kiddyness of them was a little weird. There wasn’t a girly color in the outfit, and she was sporting pockets galore. Melody’s eyes drank the mirror in eagerly. She was smiling like an idiot and for once she didn’t care.
“I take it that the change is a hit?” Veronica asked.
“Wow.” Melody said. “Yes, thanks. Uh, it’s really cool. Well, kinda kiddy, but the hair is awesome. Yeah, it looks good.”
“The childishness is part of the treatment, but you’ll be able to wear more adult things too. If you want we can go shopping for some wardrobe upgrades.”
“Maybe.” Melody nodded, turning so she could see the short-cropped back of her hair.
“In the meantime, I’m pretty sure you have class soon.”
“Huh? Not until the afternoon.” Melody said.
“How long do you think all this took?” Veronica chuckled and patted Melody’s padded rear. “Come on now young… hmm, what pronouns do you want to use?”
“Uh, it doesn’t really matter, that stuff is all a bunch of dumb woke bull-“
“Melody!” Veronica said sharply. Melody froze in mid-word, her eyes wide.
“I do not want to hear you curse while you’re under treatment, and I certainly do not want to hear you parroting anti-queer sentiments from the internet.”
“Uh, sorry Veronica.” Melody looked down, feeling an odd mix of guilt and comfort.
“You’ve just made a big move away from looking feminine. If you want, you can absolutely ask people to acknowledge that by changing how they refer to you.”
“I don’t want to do weird pronouns.” Melody said. “No Zir or whatever. I don’t like how that sounds.”
“How do you feel about masculine pronouns?” Veronica asked.
“No, gross. I’m not a guy.”
“Fair enough, how about feminine pronouns?”
Melody hesitated. People had been calling saying she and her forever, why mess it up now? Still, she couldn’t make herself be enthusiastic about it.
“Um… I guess they’re uh… okay.”
“They don’t sound very okay.” Veronica said, tilting Melody’s chin up to make eye contact. “How about neutral? They and them?”
“I like that.” Melody said, surprising themself. “But then you can’t say what you were going to say. Young lady, right?”
“That is what I was going to say. Do you want to be called young lady?”
“No.” The response came out as a gut reaction.
“How about, Little One?”
Melody’s breath caught in their throat. “Oh. Yes please.”
Veronica smiled and kissed Melody’s forehead. “In that case, little one, you better get your butt downstairs and get ready for school.”
“Yes Veronica.” Melody said. There was an odd feeling in their chest. It was soft and warm, like their heart was full of kittens. It stayed all the way through their breakfast, and the drive to school.
In fact, the feeling lasted all the way until their Machine Learning Bioinfomatics class. Getting to class early for once, Melody was setting up their laptop when they realized someone was standing right next to them. They looked over to see Rosa staring at them with a wondering expression.
“Wow Melody. Great new look.” Rosa said.
“Um, thanks. It’s not very femme though.” Melody said, rubbing their neck.
“No worries, I stand super corrected.” Rosa said. “Femme has nothing on this look.”
“You think so?” Melody asked, warmth rising to their cheeks.
“Oh yeah.” Rosa grinned. “Mind if I sit next to you today?”
“Uh, yeah, go ahead.” Melody said, taking their seat as their heart thumped in their chest.